Ten Simple Questions

[McElmurry]

Ted waited too long to fill out his census form. One day a census taker named Bill showed up at Ted’s home. Ted invited Bill inside and they began going through the ten “simple” questions.

Bill: What is your declared ethnicity?
Ted: Primarily Britannic-American

Bill: Who are the Britannic-Americans?
Ted: Decedents of emigrants from the British Isles to America.

Bill: The British Isles…oh so your English.
Ted: No I am a citizen of the United States of America.

Bill: But you were born in England?
Ted: No, I was born in Idaho.

Bill: So you’re a Buckeye.
Ted: No, that’s Ohio...I’m a Vandal

Bill: You’re a Vandal ethnically?
Ted: No, I am, or was, a Vandal athletically.

Bill: Athletically?
Ted: Yes…the pole vault.

Bill: Ah ha, so you’re Polish…just kidding. Let’s try again. Your ancestors are from the British Isles.
Ted: Mostly, yes, England, Scotland, Wales, and Ireland.

Bill: But Ireland isn’t British.
Ted: In know that but I was using British Isles in the broader geographic sense. Would it help if I said IONA?

Bill: Oh, Iona, that is a beautiful island I took a ferry there once from Oban.
Ted: Not Iona the island, I.O.N.A, Islands of the North Atlantic.

Bill: You mean Iceland?
Ted: No, I mean Britain and Ireland and a bunch of other islands that make up the Atlantic Archipelago.

Bill: What about the Falkland Islands, aren’t they a British Archipelago in the Atlantic?
Ted: No, I do not have any ancestors from the Falklands.

Bill: OK, let me get this straight. Your ancestors are mostly from the British Isles which includes the current countries of Britain and Ireland. But your surname is Germanic?
Ted: Yes, my surname is Germanic.

Bill: So you have an ancestor from Germany?
Ted: No, he was from Frankfurt.

Bill: But Frankfurt is in Germany.
Ted: Well it is now but it wasn’t when he left.

Bill: You mean they moved it?
Ted: No, when he left Frankfurt in 1750 it was part of the Holy Roman Empire.

Bill: So he was Catholic?
Ted: No he was Moravian.

Bill: From Czechoslovakia?
Ted: Noooo……… from Frankfurt.

Bill: Germany?
Ted: Ok yes from what is now Germany.

Bill: Then why did you say he was from Moravia?
Ted: I didn’t. You asked me if he was Catholic and I said no he was Moravian.

Bill: Is Moravian a religion?
Ted: Yes.

Bill: What denomination?
Ted: None.

Bill: What do you mean none?
Ted: I mean it is non-denominational.

Bill: Can they do that?
Ted: Apparently.

Bill: OK, so your father’s name is Germanic. What about your mother’s maiden name?
Ted: It’s Irish.

Bill: So why did you say you were British?
Ted: I didn’t. I said I was primarily Britannic-American and it seemed more precise at the time.

Bill: How can it be more precise if you’re Irish?
Ted: They were from Ulster, The Ards, County Down.

Bill: Is Ulster in Ireland?
Ted: Yes, but two thirds of Ulster is in the UK, Northern Ireland, they’re British.

Bill: Oooooh…Nooooorthern Ireland. So what religion are you.
Ted: I’m Presbyterian.

Bill: So your ancestors were Scots-Irish?
Ted: Well yes and no.

Bill: Are you sure you’re not African American? Lots of Scots-Irish in the USA are African American.
Ted: Do I look African American?

Bill: Well you only need one drop.
Ted: What do you mean I only need one drop?

Bill: There is a one drop rule. One drop of African blood and you’re African American.
Ted: No, I don’t know of any African ancestors but I am three one-hundred-and-twenty-eighths Chickasaw.

Bill: That’s not enough to be Native American.
Ted: What about Hispanic?

Bill: Are you Hispanic?
Ted: Not that I know of.

Bill: Well it doesn’t matter Hispanics are white.
Ted: Well if Hispanics are white what am I?

Bill: You’re non-Hispanic white.
Ted: That doesn’t seem to capture the flavor of my ancestry very well.

Bill: Well what do you want to be?
Ted: I want to be Scottish.

Bill: You can’t be Scottish.
Ted: Why not?

Bill: Because you’re not Scottish
Ted: Yes I am.

Bill: What clan?
Ted: Morrison.

Bill: You said they were Irish.
Ted: Well Norse-Gael in Ulster that’s practically Scottish.

Bill: Not good enough.
Ted: Ok my Great Grandmother on my Dad’s side was a Crichton. My ancestors kept the hounds at Crichton Castle.

Bill: Sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.
Ted: I am invoking the one drop rule.

Bill: There is no one drop rule for Scottish.
Ted: I am invoking the Burns corollary to the one drop rule.

Bill: You just made that up.
Ted: No I didn’t.

Bill: Yes you did, I never heard of it.
Ted: The Burns corollary applies to anyone with one drop of Scottish blood born on January 25 and that is my birthday.

Bill: I don’t like it one bit.
Ted: It’s either Scottish or Britannic-American.

Bill: Well Britannic-American is just silly. OK I guess you can be Scottish. You know you’re the seventh one today. Why does everyone want to be Scottish?

[BLHS209]

Reminds me of "Who's on First" (Abbott & Costello), especially of you read it quickly.

[Oldhiker]

you made my head hurt and my belly split laughing so hard.

the census should say "Are you American" that could be anybody from the top of Canada to the bottom of Argentina - one question and who cares about the rest.