Miss you guys!

I've lost a bunch of weight. My kilts still fit though!

I can't make the games. I've a family commitment out of town that weekend.

My dog says that some areas of the floor are better to lick than others.

This has been a puplick surface announcement.

Totally outstanding news! Congrats to you and your family!

Ha! Thanks!

I wasn't about to let it go though. I was not done. I assaulted him with puns.
No te gooseta?
Was that pun fowl?
That's just your 'pinion
Birds come from far away for migrate puns...

True story.

My brother was out to eat with my mother and they texted me to ask if I wanted food brought home. I asked for duck. Here is the conversation that ensued:
...

There was a wildebeest named Yorick.

I gnu him

My friend said he loved swingin' nightclubs.

So I called the golf course and got a midnight tee time

ImperialPint Plan it. People will come.

Professors who take attendance are absent-minded.

I asked the producer, "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

He said, "You mean a choir?"

I said, "Okay, fine. How much to *acquire* a singing ensemble?"

We are about to get another bad spell of wether.

Instead of buying new clothes, I am painting the clothes I already have.

Just finished the second coat.

I want to be a martial arts crime fighter, but I need a good sidekick.

Stellar. Really, the tailors nailed it.

I've fancied a combo myself.

It's universally true in every kitchen that cabbage must be sliced thinly and into little pieces.

It's Cole's Law

Butchers loin something new every day

Lads,

I cannot attend. My father just passed at Christmas. That day is my birthday and my mother has brought the hammer down on family time. Insofar as it's not feasible for her to join us at the...

I got new beads for my abacus.

It's the little things that count.

You can't see in this picture that my socks and hat are also Royal Stewart.

Someone asked last night if my underthings were also tartan. I said, "No! What do you think I am, a maniac?"

:D

Seasonal Felicitations, y'all


https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4595/25351155458_439860197c.jpg20171221_174455 by michael_malone22, on Flickr

In an alternate reality, Julius Cesar lives to a ripe old age. One day at the retirement forum, he saw his old friend, Brutus. Brutus was a little winded, so Cesar offered a hit from his bellows.
...

I had a dream where I weighed less than 1/1000 of a gram.

I was like, 0mg

Hot dog vendors have Franksgiving

The water heater broke and we couldn't shower. It was stanksgiving

We watched Castaway, Sleepless in Seattle and Saving Private Ryan. It was Hanksgiving

In...

The archeologist was also a lawyer.

He worked pro bone-know.

Being blinded by silver is Ag-on-eyes ing