Military Rivalry Humor

[Deirachel]

Duffle Blog: Awol Private returns after seven years with box of grid squares

[Bill aka Mole]

A Chief retires and moves back home to the family farm. One day, he hears a commotion out by the barn and when he goes to investigate, he sees a hot air ballon draped over the barn with the gondola basket hanging about 10 feet in the air. The man in the basket sees the Chief and asks, "Where am I?" The Chief replies, "You're in a basket, hanging off of my barn, about ten feet in the air." The man says, "You must have been a Chief in the Navy." The retired Chief is impressed, so he asks, "How did you know that?" The man answers, "Easy. Your answer, while technically correct, doesn't give me any information that I didn't already know. Also, it doesn't help me out of this situation." The Chief replies, "Sounds like you were in the Navy as well, definitely an officer, probably a Commander or above." The man replies, "Amazing, I retired as a Captain. How could you tell?" The Chief answers, "Simple: One, you ask a general question expecting a detailed answer, the first sign of an officer. And because my answer wasn't in the vein of what you were looking for, you turn it about so that it is somehow my fault that you are in the predicament that you're in. That's how I could tell that you were at least a Lieutenant or above. And you neglect the fact that despite the fact that I answered your question, you now assume that I will feel inclined to get you out of the predicament. That's how I could tell that you had made Commander. Now, pack your trash and get off of my barn!"

[CameronCat]

Hey, Deirachel:
Holy cats! That's one funny website...beats The Onion coming and going!
Thanks!

JT

[Friday]

Fetch Me a Bucket of Muzzle Blast

There was a young artilleryman from Nantucket
That the Chief of Smoke sent for a bucket


When the artilleryman returned at last
Smoke sent him to find muzzle blast


We are short of blast too said Gun 1's crew
Check with Gun Number 2


After checking with all he could find he stood very still
And knew he had been had as laughter covered the hill.



One thing to remember, as much as the services fight between themselves, if there is a call for help, get out of the doorway because we are all on the way to help.

[KD Burke]

From my time in the Navy.
Go to the boiler room and bring me a water hammar and a left- handed monkey wrench.

"Sorry, Chief...couldn't find those but I brought you back 50' of skyline and one-half gallon of checkerboard paint in case you need them."

And hurry it up! You need to be on watch for the mail buoy in 10 minutes!

One of the absolute BEST new guy moments was when, after having been subjected to a number of these errands, a new seaman was told by a Petty Officer to retrieve some "red stripe paint" from the paint locker. Our hero, convinced that this was yet another attempt at humor at his expense spent the next half-hour taking his ease in the paint locker. Imagine his surprise on being discovered by the the Chief Boatswain's Mate, who informed him, in very colorful terms, that striping paint is a very real commodity with many uses aboard ship, and that the paint locker is not an appropriate place for a nap, particularly during work hours.

[sailortats]

In my day ('55-'61) on board ship the popular order to a new seaman was - go and fetch 20 feet of shoreline.

[Geoff Withnell]

A Chief retires and moves back home to the family farm. One day, he hears a commotion out by the barn and when he goes to investigate, he sees a hot air ballon draped over the barn with the gondola basket hanging about 10 feet in the air. The man in the basket sees the Chief and asks, "Where am I?" The Chief replies, "You're in a basket, hanging off of my barn, about ten feet in the air." The man says, "You must have been a Chief in the Navy." The retired Chief is impressed, so he asks, "How did you know that?" The man answers, "Easy. Your answer, while technically correct, doesn't give me any information that I didn't already know. Also, it doesn't help me out of this situation." The Chief replies, "Sounds like you were in the Navy as well, definitely an officer, probably a Commander or above." The man replies, "Amazing, I retired as a Captain. How could you tell?" The Chief answers, "Simple: One, you ask a general question expecting a detailed answer, the first sign of an officer. And because my answer wasn't in the vein of what you were looking for, you turn it about so that it is somehow my fault that you are in the predicament that you're in. That's how I could tell that you were at least a Lieutenant or above. And you neglect the fact that despite the fact that I answered your question, you now assume that I will feel inclined to get you out of the predicament. That's how I could tell that you had made Commander. Now, pack your trash and get off of my barn!"

That Chief had a retired Marine Sgt Major as a neighbor. The Marine had a pet parrot that he had trained to wake him up at zero dark thirty every day "Sqquuaaak, reveille reveille reveille, get up get up get up Sqaauuaaakkk!". Of course as a retired gentleman farmer he didn't need to get up at such an ungodly hour. Never the less, the first three days of his retirement, at zero dark thirty "Sqquuaaak, reveille reveille reveille, get up get up get up Sqaauuaaakkk!". Nothing seemed to help. The Sgt Major decided to make the parrot sleep out in the hen house. The next morning, at zero dark thirty, a tremendous raucous comes from the hen house. The marine goes to investigate. There, in front of the hen house all the brown chickens are standing tall. The white, red and black chickens are on the ground doing push ups. The parrot, walking back and forth is saying "Now when I say fall out in khakis, maybe you'll fall out in khakis!"

[Friday]

In my day ('55-'61) on board ship the popular order to a new seaman was - go and fetch 20 feet of shoreline.

Do you want the new EPA approved shoreline or will take the shoreline we brought on board before the new regulations?

[Babyvett]

...And don't forget the bucket of prop wash.

As well as 1000 ft of flight line.. (My ex husband actually fell for both that and the 20 gallons of Rotor Wash.

[unixken]

As well as 1000 ft of flight line.. (My ex husband actually fell for both that and the 20 gallons of Rotor Wash.

Being a helicopter guy, I always liked the Rotor Wash gag.

When I was in boot, during our galley week, our sister company had the galley, while my company had all the odd jobs around the base (watch standing, grounds keeping, runners for the officers, etc.) We were asked if anyone wanted to command a Coast Guard Cutter. Two guys raised their hands and were given lawn mowers for the week.