New management

[Drac]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and
therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up
'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she
does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by
the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary' ).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into
account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used
for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound
for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to
the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did
for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of
proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New
Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out
of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[brewerpaul]

This made my day, quite funny indeed. In reference to the part about beer...real ale..... I lift my pint of ESB.....

[RockyR]

Well written. Made me smile.

One small edit on the Baseball thing... Toronto Blue Jays are in Canada. That makes it an 'international sport'.

[Sir William]

HUZZAH!

God Save the King!

[kc8ufv]

Well written. Made me smile.

One small edit on the Baseball thing... Toronto Blue Jays are in Canada. That makes it an 'international sport'.

Beyond international, a while ago when I was studying Japanese, there was even a lesson specifically on baseball in Japan, including various teams there. Thus making it even intercontinental.

[Gryphon57]

Very amusing and parts of it aren't a bad idea. However, that gun thing won't fly once you get past the coastal states. Either coast. The "flyover states" will be a bit unwilling to relinquish their firearms, as they are a way of life. Attempts to force the issue would be a reminder of the outcome of the disagreement in 1776. So with the exceptions of 5, 7, and 14, it's a good plan.

[J_Mimbs]

So with the exceptions of 5, 7, and 14, it's a good plan.

I agree. Although, in addition to Rugby and Association Football there is also Canadian Rules, Australian Rules, and Gaelic Football. So the precedent is there for American Rules as well.

And yes, rugby players don't wear pads, but I dare any of them to take a hit from a defensive tackle or linebacker on an American football team. The hits are a bit different.

Of course I do love me some rugby. Pro football has gotten boring in my opinion.

But I digress.

Other than those minor quibbles, I'm down with it.

[Tony]

I'm in for everything except 12.

Unless the Phillies lose Game 5 on Friday, then I'm all in.

[Jack Daw]

Forgetting the rules, it was best to remove my comment. The thread post was funny!

[Oldhiker]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

too funny!!

But a question? I did not know cream had a season?