"I wear a kilt because I need the room, a problem you obviously don't have."
"Did I borrow my wife's/girlfrind's skirt? No. Did you borrow your wife's/girlfriend's pants?"
When someone calls me a "******" when I'm wearing my kilt i ask them if I look like a bundle of sticks. And when they call me "fag", I ask them if I look like a cigarette. When they look all confused I remind them that Google is a good place to find information and they should go look up those terms.