Kilt or no? Group input sought...

[Bill]

The more I read, the more I agree with Bear and Richard, but another post (can't remember who posted it!) said something to the effect of: "what consequences are you willing to live with?" I had to deal with this very question a couple of weeks ago.

My brother-in-law decided to get married on the same weekend as our annual Robert Burns Dinner. I had already agreed to do the Address to the Haggis at our dinner, and I am one of the organisers of the event, so needless to say, I was not too happy with my brother-in-law, who knew that I was already committed that weekend (we plan our Burns Nichts out a year in advance, and he got engaged in April) -- I have always believed in honouring the first commitment you make, but then I would be between the devil and the deep blue sea, as my wife wants to go to the wedding to see her father and uncle and all of the family from Louisiana. She also knows how important Burns Nicht is to me, and hated that someone's feelings were going to be hurt.

Thankfully, she came up with a compromise: she proposed that we hold a wee Burns Nicht in our house with about 10-12 friends, and that way, I would not miss Burns Nicht, and we could go to the wedding.

My suggestion would be: wear the kilt, but do not wear it casually -- dress to the nines and show everyone how sharp the kilt can be. Mention that the kilt is worn for "celebratory" occasions in Scotland, especially ones involving the "clan" or family, and that this is your way to pay tribute to your own clan by wearing a garment that symbolises family loyalty.

Cheers and guid luck!

T.

I believe this is an outstanding comprimise in both instances. It is what I would do.

[macwilkin]

...And I will be wearing my kilt at my brother-in-law's wedding! I also hope to wear it to the Alamo (my brother-in-law lives in Austin, and we're planning a side trip to San Antonio) in honour of Sgt. John McGregor, the Piper of the Alamo!

Cheers !

T.

[Freelander Sporrano]

Mychael Sorry I'm a little late on this one,

Like Graham and Bubba have said Humor her. She'll not be there for much longer. If you are fond of her then don't hurt her feelings.I do however feel she is using her age to get what she wants.No doubt she'll have in the back of her mind what her lady freinds will say behind her back.

The old joke about the three ladies talking for hours, just because they are all afraid that if they leave the other two will talk about them. May have a little to do with it

[Rufus]

If you'd asked me this question last year, I think I would have answered this one the same as Bear. Now, I have a different answer. My family found out about 5 months ago that my granny has cancer in over 2/3 of her body. It's so bad that they can't do chemotherapy, because it would just kill her. So, we're just kind of waiting for her to die.

In light of this, it's forced me to consider what's really important in life. With her short time left, if my gran made the same request, I'd have to honor it, but that's just me.

Almost 7 years ago, my sister got married, and I was not invited to the wedding because I had recently changed religions. It may sound petty, but it's a big deal to my family. This was one of those times that I had to stand for what I believe in. To do any less would have violated my consience and left me full of major regrets.

So, Mychael, my advice would be to consider the big picture here, and where your convictions lie. If you truly feel that you have to take a stand, then by all means do so. However, if it's a "I'm my own man, I'll do what I want" situation, then you'll only come off as petty, and everyone will know it.

You're a smart guy, so I know that you'll make the right decision, whatever that may be.

[bikercelt1]

Wow, Mychael, this is a tough one isn't it. I had a similar decision about six months ago when an aunt died. I sang at the funeral and had to decide whether to wear the kilt or not because many of the family members had not seen me in the kilt yet and I didn't want to "scandalize" or be a distraction for them. I did wear the kilt and it was fine, in fact better than fine because it was percieved that I was dressing as formally as I could in her honor.

In your case I would have to ask, was this former visit the first time Grandma saw you in your kilt? Could it be that she is a bit shocked and uncertain about how others will recieve you, and by extension, her? It's one thing when we choose to make the choice to wear kilts, but sometimes our families are just as nervous being with us as we were the first time we went out in public. If this is the case matbe a few trips out and about with Grandma so that she can become comfortable with the kilt would be in order. Then she might be more welcoming of your kilt for the birthday dinner. This becomes a matter of courtesy and concern concern for Grandma's feelings. I would probably grant her wishes.

If she's just being controlling (like some members of my family) then you have a very different decision to make, whether to be subject to her or not. Personally I would stand my ground in this situation, but that's just me.

I am around people of all ages at work and at church. Older people are a lot more flexible that they let on most of the time.

Jamie

[Vince]

Mychael –

You sure opened up quite an interesting discussion point. From your post it seems that Grandma has flexed a bit on you wearing a kilt to the big event. In that light, I say wear your kilt and as Episcopalscot suggested and dress to the nines or as appropriate (not sure how formal this affair is).

As for being true to one’s self etc., one must also consider the maturity aspect. Sometimes we run into situations where putting ourselves first isn’t always the best path. I am all for being true to one’s self, but one should consider how it affects others, especially the ones we love. Prior to your post about your conversation with Grandma, I would have recommended trousers. After all, in the scheme of things, it is a small concession to make for some whom may not have many birthdays left. It’s not a lifestyle change, just a few hours to please a loved one. I would have recommended that you wear your kilt to the event, change to trousers for the party, and change back to the kilt after the party.

As Grandma has indicated that you wearing the kilt won’t necessary usher in the end of the world, I say wear your kilt and enjoy. Maybe she will warm up to it when she gets used to seeing you wear it and overhear the many complements. My Mum did.

I would like to close this by stating that I am in no way advocating that one should cave in to every family/friend demand that one should do this or that, or one’s life style should be thus. Just consider that there are times when one should stand firm and times when one should flex.

[Casey]

In my world being an individual and true to myself are not mutually exclusive of doing for others.

Casey

[bear]

Mychael said,
"Age mattering? We all have our ideals, and while it seems easy in abstract to draw firm lines between right and wrong, it is not such a no-brainer in practice."

An ideal should not be more difficult in practise than in theory, but it often is.
Should difficulty change our ideal? Is this ideal so flexible as to be altered when the going gets tough?
An ideal should not be chucked for convenience. To do so lessens the worth of the ideal.

Try changing 'ideal' in the above paragraph to 'honour' or 'rule'.

What I'm saying is that we must be true to ourselves first. Only then can we be true to others.
That's as close to true advice as I can get. How Mychael is true to his own personal ideal is Mychael's decision. Vague, but Mychael can work it out as per his own ideals.

[Mychael Sporrano]

Thank you everyone for your well considered words of advice. I have given this all some thought and have decided that tomorrow I will arrive kilted with trousers within reach. We are meeting at the house before going out to a chinese restaurant, so I'll have a chance to change if I receive a bad reaction or feel the situation warrants.

Episcopalscot advised that if I wear a kilt I should dress to the nines. This isn't really a very fancy occasion; a coatee would be too much. But I get the spirit of his recommendation and will dress well. To that end, I have a very nice day-look I tried out this afternoon centered around my new Kinloch Anderson Corporate tartan, lovat green tweed waistcoat, brown day sporran and day belt, and some nice casual yet dressy brown shoes I picked up. It should do quite well. I coordinated the outfit for exactly this sort of occasion. This is the first time that I have worn a traditional kilt, by the way, and I debuted the look at at a local mall while shoppping for the shoes. It was very nice wearing a tartan kilt with matching flashes! I have to admit that it makes me feel more comfortable, in a sense, than when I am dressed more casual. I had a very nice chat with the clerk who helped me with the shoes, but I digress...

So, the plan is to arrive at the house looking respectably traditional, and if need be, off comes the kilt with no hard feelings. It isn't a matter of principle, really. I do not feel manipulated in any way. I simply feel like being me and will try doing so if I deem it does not come at the expense of the Birthday Girl. I agree, Jamie; older folks are a lot more flexible than they sometimes let on.

Since everyone here has invested their time into assisting me with this decision, I will of course issue a report upon my return. Wish me well!

By the way, being a word geek I looked up the term 'dressed to the nines'. According to William and Mary Morris from their Dictionary of Word and Phrase Origins, the theory is that it originally appeared as 'dressed to the eyes'. In old English this would have appeared as 'dressed to then eyne.' From there it is an easy jump to the expression that we know today.

Mychael

[Mychael Sporrano]

Somehow something I thought that I had in my last post didn't make the dispatch... I had written something to the effect that my Grandmother, despite her years, is one spunky lady who rakes her own leaves and shovels her snow. I suspect that she will be able to suffer easily a bit if spunk in her grandson.

Mychael