Quote Originally Posted by Doc Hudson
You definitely have the poopie end of the stick.

I also agree that you should have a discussion with your supervisor and ask him to invite Mary and her supervisor to join you.

Show that you are willing to discuss the situation and that Mary is the one who is being disruptive.
Best of Luck.
I work for a very large corporation (4th Largest in the World), in a Senior Management position with over 25 years experience. I won't mention the company name on the board, but if you are watching the NCAA Final Four here in the USA, my company is the one sponsoring the winner’s trophy.

Anyhow, in my professional opinion (and please know that this is purely a subjective opinion and I mean no ill will towards you in any way), you have personalized this issue, and although well intended, the invite to go off site for a discussion regarding your differences of her alleged dislike for you in a kilt, was wholly inappropriate from a business relationship building standpoint and may have weakened your overall position.

What you did is enable her position of you being 'difficult', 'unprofessional', etc., and solidify her position as you being the problem. If she is as smart and savvy as you indicate, you might have also just set yourself up for being perceived as "asking her for a date", or "harassing her because of a perceived distain for the kilt”. Remember, communications and perceptions are a two way street, you said she never actually complained about you wearing a kilt, but that you inferred that this is the root of the problem. Maybe yes, maybe no ... do you know for sure?

Further more, by inviting her off site you are taking her away from “her safe environment” (work) where she normally feels in control of the situation. The work environment usually provides a controlled environment, a safety net if you will.

Further you implied to her that you intend to have a conversation where you clearly are going to be the moderator and control the conversation (you had an agenda). She (as most women are) is probably smart enough to realize that taking you up on your offer would weaken her position as she would appear to be capitulating to your possession and may have felt threatened. It is never good to make a star employee feel threatened. She obviously has a great work ethic and did not get to her position by being passive! Watch out for these types!

Here is what I think you should do, and what I would suggest to my direct reports. Take the high road while still being the driver don't let her become the martyr ....

Set up a meeting with her, her boss, you and your boss. The topic of the meeting should be "Establishment and Enabling of Service Level Objectives for (your department / her department)"

Set up an agenda and distribute at least one full day prior to the meeting. The agenda should include just a few points. Great example would be: 1) Introductions, 2) Services (your department)provides, 3) How Customer Satisfaction and Feedback Drives Innovation in (your department), 4) Setting Expectations: What does (her department) requires and are you meeting the requirements, 5) How can (your department) provide additional value to (her department), 6) Establishing an Open Communications methodology between (your department) and (her department).

Make sure that you take notes and then publish minutes within a day of the meeting outlining the conversation (use the agenda) and any follow up items and dates for deliverables.

This should take about an hour, and what your doing is reaching out and saying, "I get the impression that we are not adequately meeting your needs and requirements, and we are reaching out to you so that we can identify these gaps and issues, and proactively put a plan in to provide 100% customer satisfaction".

Do not use the words ME or YOU in any way during this meeting. This is not between YOU and HER, this is sticky business! By doing this she has lost all ability to complain, or too raise a stink about you or your services (kilted or not). This is also great documentation to have if push ever comes to shove, you have a written action plan that shows that you took take business relationships seriously and have reached out to her and her department in a professional manner. The problem then becomes HER issue, not yours, and the kilt will probably never be mentioned again.

Hope this helps!

Brian Mackay