feeling special is not OK

[macwilkin]

Alan,

For those of us of Scottish heritage, the kilt is the visible symbol of a special sense of pride in our ancestors and their accomplishments.

Cheers,

Todd

[Shay]

Wearing a kilt makes you feel attractive. Not always sexually attractive, but attractive in the sense that people notice you and are interested in you when you walk into a room- something a lotta lotta women have happen all our lives because in the crudest sense... 'we've' got boobies and 'you' like them. It can be a bit more refined than that, but basically women spend a lot of their lives being looked at, checked out, and chatted up, and most of the time there is a sexual component to it, even if only in pretense, like the flirty banter between my gay friend and I.

I think she's having a hard time with that aspect of it- that a male can (and should!) be attractive and the center of attention, and she doesn't always need to be. I'm not saying she consciously feels this way, but if I had less self-esteem or was more worried about my own attractiveness, I certainly would be miffed at all the people who talk to my husband and fawn over him and all that stuff when he's wearing a kilt or talking about his motorcycle or doing something with skiing and ignore me. (As it is, I just dump the baby in his lap and run off to dance or something if I get too bored.) I've dragged him to things where I've been the one who's engaged and charming, and he's 'just' my husband, too. But I don't think it's the female's rightful place to be put up on some social pedestal as the most attractive thing in a gathering!

It's just second nature to a lot of women, especially women who think their social standing depends on their attractiveness, to evaulate everyone in the room and who/what their attention is drawn towards. In this case, it's you, and she doesn't like it. That 'feeling special' is attractiveness, nothing more, nothing less, and it does come from inside of you- and is enhanced by what you choose to wear rather than caused by it. Perhaps if you bring up this idea, she'll recognise her own feelings and be able to deal with them, instead of focusing on your clothes.

[Andrew Breecher]

You can't just make yourself feel special. Your special feeling inside directly comes from the reactions of others. If people didn't react differently to you in a kilt, it would be just as if you were wearing trousers, and there would be no reason to feel special.

Andrew.

[LordDamax]

I can kinda see what she's saying... kinda... I've posted here about my wife before, I believe, Alan, you repsonded to a few posts with some supportive words.

As far as self esteem goes, I agree. Self esteem can ONLY come from inside. I learned that a long time ago. Thats why its called SELF esteem. Can other people help it or hurt it? Of course. But they cannot fix it. If you have crappy self esteem, all the compliments in the world wont fix it. And if you have great self esteem, all the put-downs in the world wont hurt it.

Do I feel special in a kilt? Of course. I like the looks, the compliments, etc. Do the put downs discourage me? No way. (On a side note, the ONLY put downs I've heard yet are FROM my wife). I put on a kilt, I know I look good. I dont need someone to tell me I do. If someone says "Hey fag nice skirt" so what. I know I look good, they arent gonna hurt me. However, when I get a compliment, even though I am confident and feel good... it helps! Heck, I cant help but smile and say thanks, and feel good inside.

So, in my opinion, she's halfway right... you should feel 'special' inside first, but dammit... the attention does make that 'special' feeling a lot stronger, doesn't it?

[Alan H]

As far as self esteem goes, I agree. Self esteem can ONLY come from inside. I learned that a long time ago. Thats why its called SELF esteem. Can other people help it or hurt it? Of course. But they cannot fix it. If you have crappy self esteem, all the compliments in the world wont fix it. And if you have great self esteem, all the put-downs in the world wont hurt it.

Do I feel special in a kilt? Of course. I like the looks, the compliments, etc. Do the put downs discourage me? No way. (On a side note, the ONLY put downs I've heard yet are FROM my wife). I put on a kilt, I know I look good. I dont need someone to tell me I do. If someone says "Hey fag nice skirt" so what. I know I look good, they arent gonna hurt me. However, when I get a compliment, even though I am confident and feel good... it helps! Heck, I cant help but smile and say thanks, and feel good inside.

So, in my opinion, she's halfway right... you should feel 'special' inside first, but dammit... the attention does make that 'special' feeling a lot stronger, doesn't it?

We think much alike on this.

I enjoy the attention. Yes, I admit it, I do. "Freedom" yeah, well, two-thirds of the time that I wear a kilt, I'm wearing it to work. I wear them with heavy-duty grundies in the name of modesty in the workplace and not getting fired should something untoward happen. So "Freedom" isn't an issue for me. Kilts are fun, I like 'em, and I wear them a bit tongue-in-cheek, 'cause life is way too short to take everything so bloody serious, you know?

I also have no problem with my self esteem. I know I'm smart, reasonably attractive, musically talented, interested in science and nature, and articulate. I don't have to "prove" those things to anybody.

Same goes for being masculine, and the Mrs. agrees. She instantly agreed that deciding what I want to do and doing it without being overly concerned with what others will think is a lot more "masculine" than the action of putting pants on. So it's not the "masculine" issue any more. And remember, this is the same woman that tore into the obnoxious guy, just weekend before last, eh?

Anyway, Lord Damax, I discern a large difference between "self esteem", which is what I think my unknown commenter is talking about, and "feeling special". Clearly, you do, as well..

**************************************************
Shay, in part you are right. My wife is a particularly sober individual. She's a scientist, was valedictorian of her high school class, had a GPA *above* 4.0 in college (A-plusses counted for 4.3 grade points) and so on. She's very Type A and excels at all the type A kind of things...balancing the checkbook, never forgetting anappointment, always being on time, etc. etc.

She also works out incredibly hard at her dance/aerobics studio. The result of that is that for a woman of 48 years old, she has a figure that most gals twenty years her junior would kill for. When she was in Jr. High School she was borderline anorexic. Anorexic...lots of exercise... Can you say... "control issues"?

More than the attractiveness thing, I honestly think what's coming into play here is that I am doing something, yet again, that she does not "control".....wearing kilts. It's outside of her accepted "norm" and I've never done it before. She's not good with change. She has always leveraged her type A skills into power in the relationship, because I severely lack those type A skills. All of a sudden her Type A skills aren't controlling something, and her husband is doing something new and unexpected.

You know, it doesn't work to let one partner control the power in a relationship too much. It CAN'T work, or else there's no relationship, you know? If I always roll over and die and let her run the show, then there's a serious loss of respect that goes along with that, and there's relationship hell to pay for it. It'd be the same if she was a dishrag and I held all the power. So in the interests of maintaining a healthy relationship with the woman I love, every now and then I fight hard for something that's important. In fact, the issue itself may not be THAT important, but I MAKE it important, just on principle, in the name of balance.

It sounds crazy to instigate conflict in the nature of relationship health, but it works for us. The tiny little amount of relationship stress we go through over kilts is nothing...*NOTHING*...compared to what we'd be going through (and have gone through in the past) if I didn't draw a line sometimes and refuse to give in. Kilts is one of those lines, and she "deals" with it, but it's tough for her sometimes.

Too Bad. Kilts aren't the only "line" BTW, it's just the one I talk about here on XMarks.

But I digress rather far from the original intent of this thread, which is about "feeling special" when wearing a kilt.

Shay, your ideas are pretty interesting, though. Until I started wearing kilts I never in a million years could tell if a woman thought I was interesting or attractive. I was blind to it, or maybe it just wasn't happening. Not that I *worried* about that, you know? I just didn't think about it, it was a non-issue. Honestly, I don't think any women paid any attetion, actually, but maybe I was clueless. It's just that now the whole issue is is more noticeable, because a couple of days a week I've got a kilt strapped around me ****, and people notice that.

[bubba]

Whoever said that wasn't a good enough reason to wear a kilt is a putz that can safely be ignored. Any reason or none at all is good enough to wear a kilt if that's what you want to do. There's no need to get all deep on it.

[LordDamax]

More than the attractiveness thing, I honestly think what's coming into play here is that I am doing something, yet again, that she does not "control".....wearing kilts. It's outside of her accepted "norm" and I've never done it before. She's not good with change. She has always leveraged her type A skills into power in the relationship, because I severely lack those type A skills. All of a sudden her Type A skills aren't controlling something, and her husband is doing something new and unexpected.

You know, it doesn't work to let one partner control the power in a relationship too much. It CAN'T work, or else there's no relationship, you know? If I always roll over and die and let her run the show, then there's a serious loss of respect that goes along with that, and there's relationship hell to pay for it.

Well, holeeeey crap. You just set lights off in my head. My wife is a HUGE control freak (although, for some reason, she doesnt exercise that controol, or gives it away... she gives up control of a situation, but then when she realizes she doesnt have control of it she freaks).

I bet thats what this whole kilt thing with her is about. Lack of control of me and what I wear and me doing something new and different.

She reacts to it with anger and hatred. No one is sure why. But what you said there about your wife sure shed some light on mine. Thanks ;)

[Alan H]

But what you said there about your wife sure shed some light on mine. Thanks ;)

Yah, shoore, you betcha....LOL... The bill's in the mail.

****************************************

Bubba, I figure that if I want to wear a kilt, I'll wear a kilt, but with some limits on it.

For example, this past Saturday night we went to my wife's 30th high school reunion. Because it was a special night for her and I knew she'd be more comfortable with me in slacks, I wore pants. She said something about me not needing to be the center of attention all the time, and she was right. I DON'T need to be the center of attention all the time. It didn't kill me to put on a pair of slacks for the evening, and she appreciated it and we had a good time at the reunion.

That's what I mean by using common sense and kindness. I can take her feelings and emotions into account without sacrificing my masculinity or independence. Now, if we're going to an event that's not "her" event...if it's something we both planned or it's an event centered around an activity that's "mine", well....if I want to wear a kilt, I'll wear a kilt. If I don't, I won't.

If wearing a kilt makes me happy, then I'll wear it. If it doesn't, I won't.

Beyond that, you're right. No point in getting too deep about it. *grin*

[motorman4life]

If feeling special comes from inside and what others think should have no bearing on our self-image, why do women wear make up? Why do they curl their hair? Why to they ask, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Why did women wear pants and jeans 50 years ago when it was not socially acceptable and prople thought less of them for doing so?

The fact is, what others think and how they may reinforce our perception of our self-worth has a huge impact on our self-esteem.

As I have stated elsewhere, besides wearing the kilt as a visible symbol of my Celtic pride and heritage, as well as comfort, one of the major reasons I wear a kilt is because I am forced to wear a uniform for about 1/2 of my waking hours. Being in a uniform is very comforming and wearing a uniform is a visible form of submission. When I am not required to conform, I choose to wear a kilt, to express my individuallity, confidence and masculinity. For me, a great part of it is about the freedom it brings and represents.

BTW, over the weekend, I got into a brief conversation with my g/f about kilts and out-of-the-blue, she said if she were single, she would not consider going out with a guy in a kilt. She said she thought it was strange for a guy to want to wear a kilt regularly and she did not find it appealing for everyday wear. She said she thought it was fine for costume or a specific event, like the Highland Games, but she did not see wearing a kilt on a daily basis as being "rational." Well, needless to day, I was very dissapointed. It won't change my habits and I'm really glad she felt confident enough in our relationship to express herself honestly and openly, but I am dissapointed, none the less.

[Iolanthe]

For example, this past Saturday night we went to my wife's 30th high school reunion. Because it was a special night for her and I knew she'd be more comfortable with me in slacks, I wore pants. She said something about me not needing to be the center of attention all the time, and she was right. I DON'T need to be the center of attention all the time.

Alan, that was kind of you to compromise and wear pants to her reunion. Really, it doesn't matter why you wear a kilt. You like the freedom of it, it brings attention, it's original, it's part of your heritage, or whatever other reason. All that matters is that you enjoy wearing it.

That comment about being the center of attention, though... maybe she's just feeling like you're outshining her. Women like to be the brightest star in the room! When my DH wears his kilt he definitely gets more attention than I do, but I can't take my eyes off him either, so I can't complain.

Ione