Kilt(ish) jokes

[Southern Breeze]

Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) travels North to conquer the Scots, and he brings 4,000 men with him.
As he nears the battlefield, suddenly there appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. It is short, ginger-haired man in a kilt."Hammer o' the Scots?" He yells! . "Come up here, ya English fools, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!"Edward turns to his commander. "Send 20 men to deal with that upstart, there's a good chap!", he says. The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman.Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. "Ya English Jampots!", he yells. "Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ye a'!!!" Edward is now very annoyed. He turns to his commander and says, "Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!" The commander sends a hundred man over the hill to do the job.Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn. "Ya English SCUM!", he yells. "I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, ya English gits!!" Edward losses patience. "Commander, take 400 men and WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!", he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, gore and Irn-Bru. "Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WIMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go ya bunch of sissies!!!", he yells. Edward turns to his second in command. "Take 1000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!" he commands. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. "Your Majesty!!" he yells. "It's a trap!!! There's TWO of them!!!"

[Iolaus]

Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) travels North to conquer the Scots...

Now that one I like!!

[Mattg]

Here's another good one....
Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

[Mike1]

Now that one I like!!

There's even a tune for that one -

Grigaloo
(Matt McGinn)

Ten thousand Roman soldiers to the Hielands they came north
And they had conquered everything from the Tiber to the Forth.
They camped beside Loch Lomond, for the night they thought they'd lie,
But somewhere on the Cobbler hill they heard this terrible cry:

CHORUS:
Grigalee! Grigaloo!
Come up and fight, you cowardly crew!
I'll have you for my pot of stew!
You fear to fight with me!

On top stood a bearded Hieland man with a kilt and a big claymore
He looked a bit ferocious, so old Caesar sent up four.
Then he sat down for dinner by the bright light of the moon,
But he lost his taste for vino when four heads come rollin' doon.

CHORUS

Then Caesar sent Marc Antony wi' another fifty five.
"Gae bring to me that rascal's head, or I'll have you stewed alive."
They heard the clash of metal until the night was done,
But again they heard this terrible cry by the rising of the sun.

CHORUS

Then Caesar sent a thousand men, this Hieland man to crack,
But out of all the thousand, there was only one came back.
"Oh, Caesar!" cried the soldier, wi' his head all black and blue,
"The rascal has been lying! There's not just one, there's two!"

So Caesar picked his suitcase up and he ran southwards then
He was doin' eighty miles an hour, but he couldn't catch his men
Now maybe ye will wonder why I've told this tale at all
Well, it has a simple moral, an' they call it...Hadrian's Wall!

Copyright Hearthside Music

[Mattg]

That's the Scots!

[GMan]

Reading this thread, I am unable to stop laughing.

[Southern Breeze]

Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[Pour1Malt]

A Scottish Fruit Cake Recipe...

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon malt whisky


Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again to be sure it is of the utmost quality.
Pour one level cup and drink neat. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or samethin'.
Who cares? Check the whisky again.

Now, sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or samethin'. Whatever ye can fin.
Grease the ooven. Turn the caike tin tae 350 degreesh.
Dinnae forget tae beat aff the turner. Throo the bowl oot of the windee.
Chick ra whisky again.
try tae crail tae bed.
Whoo ra fekk likes fritkick anyhoo an a'.....

[Yaish]

Cool song, even if its not accurate. Do you know of a recorded version one can hear for free? I cant seem to find a tune that matches the words.

[Sherry]

Cool song, even if its not accurate. Do you know of a recorded version one can hear for free? I cant seem to find a tune that matches the words.

You can see the music & hear a midi file here:
http://sniff.numachi.com/~rickheit/d...tGRIGALOO.html