Kilt(ish) jokes

[UmAnOnion]

"WHAT DO YOU WEAR UNDER YOUR KILT?"

* How badly do you want to know?
* How warm are your hands?
* Me mother once told me a real lady wouldn't ask. She was right.
* On a good day, lipstick.
* Play your cards right and you can find out.
* Sorry, I'm a bit shy and not much good with words. Give me your hand...
* Talcum powder

"WHAT'S UNDER YOUR KILT?"

* A wee set of pipes.
* Bagpipes, wanna give 'em a blow?
* It's the smallest airport in the world.....2 hangars and a night fighter.
* My shoes and socks.
* String -- I had to tie it up so it didn’t hang below the kilt.

"WHAT'S WORN UNDER YOUR KILT?"

* Nothing is worn, everything is in perfect working order.

"WHY DO THEY CALL IT A KILT?"

* 'Cause that's what I did to the last guy who called it a skirt!



Here are some suggestions assuming a gentleman is being queried by another gentleman:

* Same as you, only bigger.
* Your wife's/sister's/mother's lipstick.

OH MY GOD!!! HE SPEAKS (well, types) ENGLISH!!!!!

[Pour1Malt]

OH MY GOD!!! HE SPEAKS (well, types) ENGLISH!!!!!

nay... ai jus cut & paisted eet!

[Mattg]

nay... ai jus cut & paisted eet!

Good! You had me worried!

[Pour1Malt]

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of huge crowd.

Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope,
"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him.

Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every English person in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by someone wearing a worse frock & hat than he, considers what he could do.

"Your Majesty, that was impressive.
But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make every IRISH, WELSH, and SCOTTISH person in the crowd go crazy with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so.
"One little wave of your hand and all Irish and Scottish people will rejoice forever? ... Show me".


So the Pope slapped her!

[Mattg]

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of huge crowd.

Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope,
"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him.

Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every English person in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by someone wearing a worse frock & hat than he, considers what he could do.

"Your Majesty, that was impressive.
But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make every IRISH, WELSH, and SCOTTISH person in the crowd go crazy with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so.
"One little wave of your hand and all Irish and Scottish people will rejoice forever? ... Show me".


So the Pope slapped her!

First time I've liked the Pope!

[Pour1Malt]

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and Mick Jagger?

A: Mick says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while the Scot says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

[Mattg]

A Scottish fitba fan told his mate, "My dug watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and doon and claps its wee paws. When we lose it somersaults."
"Yer Kiddin me right? How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend.
The Fitba fan replied, "depends how often I kick it..."

[Valencian Kilted]

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of huge crowd.

Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope,
"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him.

Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every English person in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by someone wearing a worse frock & hat than he, considers what he could do.

"Your Majesty, that was impressive.
But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make every IRISH, WELSH, and SCOTTISH person in the crowd go crazy with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so.
"One little wave of your hand and all Irish and Scottish people will rejoice forever? ... Show me".


So the Pope slapped her!

looooooooool!!!

¡Salud!

T O N O

[Pour1Malt]

The Kirkcaldy undertaker sent a telegram to the bereaved Scot,

telling him his mother-in-law had died and asking whether he wanted her embalmed, cremated, or buried.

Back came the reply: "A' three — tak’ nae chances."

[Pour1Malt]

‘McDougall’s deid. He fell inta a vat o' whisky.’

‘Whit a shame. Wuz it a quick deith?’

‘nay, I dinnae think so. He came oot twice tae gae tae the tooilet!’