Kilt(ish) jokes

[Pour1Malt]

The Kirkcaldy undertaker sent a telegram to the bereaved Scot,

telling him his mother-in-law had died and asking whether he wanted her embalmed, cremated, or buried.

Back came the reply: "A' three — tak’ nae chances."

[Pour1Malt]

‘McDougall’s deid. He fell inta a vat o' whisky.’

‘Whit a shame. Wuz it a quick deith?’

‘nay, I dinnae think so. He came oot twice tae gae tae the tooilet!’

[Pour1Malt]

In the middle of foggy night in the NW Atlantic....

two lights are heading directly for one another...

and on the radio an American voice is heard saying "we suggest you alter course by 10 degrees".

Back comes the reply from a wee kilted Scot, "Nay!"

Then the American voice says "this is the battleship USS Missouri leading the American Atlantic battle fleet, you had better alter course by 10 degrees."

Back comes the reply

"och weel, this is the Hebrides lighthoose... but it's yar call, Jimmy"

[Pour1Malt]

One bright sunny day, an kilted Aberdonian was riding his horse into town with his dog and his sheep along beside them. They came across a stranger who was travelling in the opposite direction, and began the following conversation:

Stranger: "Hey, that's a cool dog you've got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Aberdonian: "The Dog disnae talk."
Stranger: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Aberdonian: Look of shock.
Stranger: "Is this man your owner?" (pointing at Aberdonian)
Dog:: "Yep"
Stranger: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the loch once a week to play."
Aberdonian: Look of total disbelief.
Stranger: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Aberdonian: "My Horse disnae talk."
Stranger: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Aberdonian: Extreme look of shock.
Stranger: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Aberdonian)
Horse: "Yep"
Stranger: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Aberdonian: Total look of utter amazement.
Stranger: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Aberdonian: "The sheep's a bloody liar."

[UmAnOnion]

One bright sunny day, an kilted Aberdonian was riding his horse into town with his dog and his sheep along beside them. They came across a stranger who was travelling in the opposite direction, and began the following conversation:

Stranger: "Hey, that's a cool dog you've got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Aberdonian: "The Dog disnae talk."
Stranger: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Aberdonian: Look of shock.
Stranger: "Is this man your owner?" (pointing at Aberdonian)
Dog:: "Yep"
Stranger: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the loch once a week to play."
Aberdonian: Look of total disbelief.
Stranger: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Aberdonian: "My Horse disnae talk."
Stranger: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Aberdonian: Extreme look of shock.
Stranger: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Aberdonian)
Horse: "Yep"
Stranger: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Aberdonian: Total look of utter amazement.
Stranger: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Aberdonian: "The sheep's a bloody liar."

you forgot the bit about the stranger being a ventriloquist....

[Pour1Malt]

you forgot the bit about the stranger being a ventriloquist....

that wasnae in the version I read... thots a guid addition though!

[Pour1Malt]

A woman and her friend were out golfing and she teed off first.

To her horror, her ball was headed straight for a foursome of men in kilts.

Sure enough, it hit one of the men and he clasped his hands together at his groin and began rolling on the ground.

The woman ran to the man and began apologizing.

"Please let me help," she said, "I'm a physical therapist."

"No, no, errrr," he groaned, "I'll be fine." still clasping his hands at his groin.

"No," she said, "I can help." So she slid her hands up his kilt and began to massage.

"How's that?" she said.

"It feels great," he said, "But my thumb still hurts like hell."