Kilt(ish) jokes

[Pour1Malt]

you forgot the bit about the stranger being a ventriloquist....

that wasnae in the version I read... thots a guid addition though!

[Pour1Malt]

A woman and her friend were out golfing and she teed off first.

To her horror, her ball was headed straight for a foursome of men in kilts.

Sure enough, it hit one of the men and he clasped his hands together at his groin and began rolling on the ground.

The woman ran to the man and began apologizing.

"Please let me help," she said, "I'm a physical therapist."

"No, no, errrr," he groaned, "I'll be fine." still clasping his hands at his groin.

"No," she said, "I can help." So she slid her hands up his kilt and began to massage.

"How's that?" she said.

"It feels great," he said, "But my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Iolaus]

An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and
asked the waitress what the special was. "Roast and rice," the
Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue.

"You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed.

"I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when
I wear high heels."

[Mattg]

Those were all great!

[Pour1Malt]

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.

Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.

Then a kilted Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?"

The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to bugger it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

[Pour1Malt]

A shipwrecked Scotsman finally washed ashore on a small island wearing nothing but his kilt.

As he regained consciousness on the beach, he noticed a beautiful,
unclad nymphet standing over him.

"Would you like some food?" she asked.

The Scot hoarsely croaks,
"Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"

She disappeared into the woods and quickly came back with a heaping helping of haggis. "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!"

She disappeared into the woods again and returned sometime later with a bottle of 40-year-old single-malt scotch whisky.

Then, the unclad nymphet leaned towards him and said "Would you like to play around?"

"Och lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here tae!"

[cessna152towser]

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!

If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue
and reserve a tray, because you are dead.
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working
under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes
this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,
only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small
group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw apair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found Herself staring
at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[Southern Breeze]

I'm speechless!

[flairball]

Who do I call to stop the pain I'm in from laughing so damned hard? Keep 'em coming guys, this thread is great.

[Mattg]

Said the Englishman to the boastful Scot: ‘Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?’ ‘England,’ replied the Scot.

Old Sandy was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked:
‘Anything I can get you, Sandy?’
No reply.
‘Have ye no’ a last wish, Sandy?’ Faintly, came the answer. . . ‘a wee bit of yon boiled ham.’
‘Wheesht, man,’ said Maggie, ‘ye ken fine that’s for the funeral.’