Rules for Dating My Daughter

[Randy]

When my daughter was much younger I searched the net for child rearing tips. That was funny, but you really need to googlize "Application for Permission to Date My Daughter".

A friend of mine used to post range targets on the fridge. One fellow dating his daughter complimented him on his accuracy. The fellow was informed it was his daughters target.

[Southern Breeze]

When my daughter was much younger I searched the net for child rearing tips. That was funny, but you really need to googlize "Application for Permission to Date My Daughter".

A friend of mine used to post range targets on the fridge. One fellow dating his daughter complimented him on his accuracy. The fellow was informed it was his daughters target.

I wonder how many could pass that application!

NOTE: This application will be rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK______________________________________________ ______
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________
If No., EXPLAIN __________________________________________________ _
7. Number of years your parents have been married ____________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _______
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo_________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?____________________
__________________________________________________ _____________________
10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
__________________________________________________ _______________________
__________________________________________________ _______________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ___________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend __________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister?______
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________
c) A woman's place is in the ________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her ______________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

________________________________________ Signature ( That means your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six months for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back)

[Southern Breeze]

This ones for all the firemen out there.

A Fireman's Little Girl
I am very dedicated to my work. I wear firefighter shirts every day, even when I'm not on duty. The fire department is my second home, and my second family. It often seems as if my life revolves around the fire department, but it means nothing compared to my little girl. I am normally a very friendly person, but if you hurt my little girl you will make me mad. I know my little girl is growing up, even if I don't like it. She seems to like you, so I'll tolerate you dating her, but here are a few things for you to think about while you're with her:

First of all, I go into burning buildings to save people that I've never even seen before, you can't imagine how protective I am of my little girl.

I once broke a man's sternum by accident while doing CPR to save his life. If that's how I help people what do you think I do when I'm pissed off?

I investigate arson fires. I know exactly what clues to look for to prove it was arson,so I also know how to make sure nobody can tell how a fire started... and I know where you live. Remember Backdraft?

I've worked more car accidents than you.ll ever see, the sight of blood doesn't bother me one little bit.

It's normal for me to carry chainsaws, axes, and various other extremely sharp tools in my car..touch my little girl and me and you take a little ride.

When we burn down a house for training, nobody ever looks in the closets.

I use the jaws of life to tear doors off wrecked cars. They cut though solid metal like a hot knife through butter. So watch your paws or get the jaws.

Sirens and air horns can really muffle the sounds of someone screaming.

Most of my friends are cops, paramedics, or firefighters. WE ARE 911. If you make me mad who do you think you're going to call for help?

I have access to explosives.

I am well trained in emergency medicine. I know exactly which arteries are the easiest to sever and which ones bleed the most. (remember all the sharp tools?)

Even though my little girl insists that you are a nice guy, and not like most other guys, I know better. I was once your age, I know EXACTLY what you're thinking. Because of that I already have plenty of reasons to not like you. It wouldn't take much at all to push me over the edge, and I just sharpened my axe.

So if you want to date my little girl you better keep these things in mind. Fireman are protective by nature, and there is nothing we are more protective of than our little girls. Whenever you're alone with her, you better remember that someday you may be alone with me!

[davedove]

I really like these:

This ones for all the firemen out there.

When we burn down a house for training, nobody ever looks in the closets.

Most of my friends are cops, paramedics, or firefighters. WE ARE 911. If you make me mad who do you think you're going to call for help?

Whenever you're alone with her, you better remember that someday you may be alone with me!

[Livingston]

All well and good....BUT what do you do when your daughter is dating a cop The good thing is that she REALLY likes him. AND even tho he is a big guy, he was very nervous when they were out here at the beginning of the month and we took them up to meet my 79 year old father. I think Dad scared him even tho he's 5' 5" and out of shape.

[smaughazard]

My girls are 18 and 20 now, and well able to take care of themselves. When they first started dating, I simply insisted that they be picked up at home- and I made a point of answering the door. Usually in an old bike rally shirt that says "What the F*** are YOU lookin' at?" Plus, I'm 6'3'', 250 lbs. and ugly…

[Sciuropterus]

Rules for younger kids:


Household Principles for Children Based on the Old Testament

Laws of Forbidden Places:

* Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
* Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.
* Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.
* Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.
* Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
* Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
* Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table:

* And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.
* Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
* Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
* When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
* When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
* Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips.
* I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
* And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.
* And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
* Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert:
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:

* If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
* But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
* And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

On Screaming:

* Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.
* If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other, are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
* Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming.
* Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.

Concerning Face and Hands:

* Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
* And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say.
* Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb.
* Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances:

* Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.
* Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
* Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape?
* And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

[mudd]

Usually in an old bike rally shirt that says "What the F*** are YOU lookin' at?"

Where can I get a shirt like that? I've got to have one.

[GreenDragon]

i'm saving this whole list for if/when i have a daughter.