FYI Avoid Haggis attacks

[davedove]

TOP 11 WAYS TO AVOID HAGGIS ATTACKS
1) Avoid dark alleys that smell like rolled oats.

I can't say I've ever been in a dark alley that smelled like oats.

2) Stay away from sporran makers, there may be free range haggis kept on site.

However, if you do your research and find that they are kept in lots, you should be okay.

3) Never cover your entire body in egg yolks, then roll around in rolled oats.

Well, there goes my Saturday nights.

4) Do not play “Cher’s Greatest Hits” on your boom box. This music has been known to make weasels turn evil, and may have a similar effect on haggis.

It's been known to have the same effect on many different creatures.

5) Always carry ten to twelve angry cats with you wherever you go.

Just don't forget to put them down before getting into the shower.

6) Never wear a full-face haggis sporran on Scottish hill sides. It might be a relative..

Hey, he's wearing Charlie! Let's get him!!

7) Haggis generally don’t like the smell of sheep poop. So, as a precaution, it’s probably a good idea to roll around in sheep poop as often as possible.

Also handy if you need to infiltrate a herd of sheep.

8) Do not dress entirely in red clothing. You might be mistaken for a giant apple, which most haggis consider to be a delicious treat. Instead, whenever possible, dress up like a giant plate of sauerkraut (which many haggis find unappetizing).

It's so hard to get out of your hair though.

9) If you are attacked by a haggis, curl up into a ball and lie motionless on the ground. Most haggis don’t live past the age of three, so be patient. Chances are you will outlive them.

Good safety tip. I can lie around for ages.

10) If a haggis is chasing you, climb up a tree and hang onto one of the branches. But be forewarned: if the haggis waves at you, DO NOT WAVE BACK (it’s an old haggis trick which might make you fall out of the tree).

Oh my, they're tricky.

11) If you are chased by a haggis clockwise around a hill, quickly turn and run counter-clockwise. The Great Wooly Mountain haggis have longer legs on their left side. By running the “wrong” way around a hill the haggis might topple over.

Unless you have the misfortune of being chased by the less common Not-so-great Wooly Mountain haggis, who have longer legs on the right side. In this case, reverse these instructions.