I apologize if this is innap, I need to release steam

[Rex_Tremende]

My anger and hurt comes from the fact that I have worked in this office for 5 years now, and this is the first time I have ever been degraded in this fashion (knowingly). The real sting is the result of thinking that I knew these people, and that I could enjoy a certain level of acceptance amongst them.

I have to view this situation for what it is; discrimination.

Jamie -

After having considered your situation periodically through the day, if I may suggest - gay man (sorry Mike) to bi-gendered person - that you have enjoyed a considerable amount of leeway at the office until now. One complaint made known to you is not a sign of discrimination, however gracelessly the comments were delivered. In fact, if your supervisor merely delivered the message but did not ban your kilts (and skirts), I'd say you continue to enjoy a more tolerant workplace than most.

Speaking from experience, if you start from the position of "discrimination" every time someone looks at you cross-eyed, you will always be a victim. This approach creates the illusion of more conflict than there really is. Ultimately it is counter-productive, and, frankly, it is the position of weakness. Real discrimination would have been if you'd have been fired at the first sign you were not cut from the same mold as everyone else.

From a distance, there is little difference between the origins of the crass comments of strangers and the expressions of discomfort from the people you know. Largely, your coworkers have had the good sense to keep their negative comments to themselves. Consider that the person who made the comments never intended them to reach you in the first place, but by raising the issue of some perceived employee equity, she created a situation that the supervisors were stuck with trying to resolve. So it was the first time you heard anying about one person's true feelings. Do not succumb to the temptation to mistake your hurt feelings for discrimination where none really exists. As others have suggested, it sounds like she had her own agenda.

I cannot think of a job that does not require we check some part of ourselves at the door. How much we check depends on the job and the office culture, but with patience and understanding some aspects are open for negotiation. At my office, for instance, a bank with a reputation of being somewhat stodgy and dour, a bi-gendered-identified individual has successfully lobbied for the right to come to work as either a woman or a man whenever he chooses. He accomplished this through open communication with her coworkers, and patient and steady (and sometimes emotionally painful) lobbying of the powers that be.

Your situation today is nothing more than an indication that you have work to do to help you and your team understand each other better. I hope you will be able to find common ground, to continue to wear whatever you determine is appropriate and enjoy a lot of success in your job.

Regards,
Rex.