tartan joke

[Jack Daw]

Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."
Archie nods approvingly.
"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.
"A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."

[Farlander]

Thanks Jack!

I had to read Mac In Tires out out loud to get that one. I particularly liked what the tart was wearing.

[Jack Daw]

It's my own clan. ((sniff))

[macwilkin]

A young Highlander was hired by a store that sold kilts to work as a sales clerk. One day, as the manager observed, an American tourist came into the store, and asked the clerk if there was a Dunlop tartan, since his surname was Dunlop.

The manager was horrified to see that the young man skipped past the "D's" in the swatch book and showed the gentleman another tartan in the "M's". After the tourist left (and had ordered a kilt), the manager confronted the young man:

Manager: Why did you tell that gentlemen that as a Dunlop, he can wear the MacIntyre tartan?

Clerk: Because sir, the Dunlops have been "macintyres" for years!



T.

[Coemgen]

Structure of a Pipe Band

Drum Major:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Faster than a speeding bullet
More powerful than a locomotive
Walks on Water
Talks to God

Pipers:
Leaps small buildings with a run-up
Is a crack shot
Pulls railway carriages
Fords rivers
Listens to god

Side Drummers:
Vaults over fences
Is allowed his own sidearm
Can read a railway timetable
Knows how to put on fishing gollashes
Believes in God

Tenor Drummers:
Can open and walk through a door
Knows which is the dangerous end of a gun
Has his own train set
Wears Wellington boots
Talks to himself

Bass Drummers:
Trips over matchsticks
Is NEVER allowed near firearms
Says "Look at CHOO-CHOO"
Plays in puddles
Nobody listens to him.

THE PIPE MAJOR:
Lifts tall buildings and walks underneath them
Catches bullets in his teeth and chews them
Kicks locomotives off their tracks
Drinks entire oceans
He IS GOD!!!!

Q: How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 5; one to do it, and four to criticize his fingering style.

By some rare chance, a piper ends up in hell. Satan passes him one day and says, “Well, Scotty, hot enough for you?”

“Well, to tell ya the truth son, the Enumclaw Highland games was hotter than this.”


So Satan has the demons start stoking the furnaces more. The next day Satan asks again, “Hey, Scotty, hot enough for you?”

“Well, to tell ya the truth son, the Tacoma Highland games was just as hot"

So Satan has the demons REALLY start stoking the furnaces. The furnaces are so hot there glowing cherry red and the demons are starting to pass out from the heat. After a day of this Satan asks “Well Scotty, hot enough for you now?!”

“Well, to tell ya the truth son, my band practice hall was just as hot.”

Satan is furious. Tells his demons to shut off the furnace. Cranks the air conditioning on.


The next hour Satan goes to see the piper. He's shivering and slapping himself to try to stay warm, but he's jumping up and down celebrating.
Satan looks at him and says, “Now, Scotty, you're obviously not doing well in this cold. Just why are you celebrating?”

Scotty says to him “Are you kiddin', mon? Hell's just frozen over! That means MY BAND JUST WON THE WORLD PIPE BAND CHAMPIONSHIPS!”

A piper died and went to heaven. St Peter asked whether he played an instrument and he replied "Yes, the bagpipes."

"Excellent," said St Peter, "I think we have a vacancy in our pipe band."

"What is God like as a Pipe Major" asked the Piper. "Not too bad," said St Peter, "although occasionally he thinks he's Terry Lee."