I always tell nosey strangers that I am a transvestite. It helps in clearing out seating around me.

However, last time I used this was when Turpin, Ben and I were at a bar. A woman asked if we were Scots.

Me: "No, we are transvestites."

Her: "No, you're not. I'm from San Francisco. I know better."

Me: "We're Scottish transvestites."