Its seems my confidence is broken...Help?

[CMcG]

<snip> Because of this, i now find myself uncomfortable in one of my favorite articles of clothing, the kilt. Can someone please tell me how i can get enough confidence back to at least wear the kilt without feeling.........vulnerable?

First of all, time heals all wounds. What seems like the end of the world now, will later be much easier to handle. I'm sure many members of this forum can remember the crushing agony of love lost, but have also recovered from it

As for the kilt, how are you wearing it? To what sort of occasions? If you wear a traditional tartan kilt, in a traditional way, to Scottish events, you aren't likely to feel at all vulnerable. If you are wearing a kilt with a unique and personal style to places where no-one else is wearing one... well, you need to not care what other people think! Personally, I often wear a kilt at home very casually but only wear one in public for special occasions.

[Jock Scot]

Been there,done that ,got the Tshirt, more than once! But it was so long ago that any advice I can give you is probably useless! But just remember that the young don't have the monopoly of tough times and you youngsters are not the only ones who make mistakes! You have had some really good advice here and all I can add, is read what it says at the bottom of my posts.

[tripleblessed]

Self confidence is a tricky thing, and the appearance of it can be deceptive.
Many who appear to have it in high school turn out to crash and burn when faced with real-world responsibility. Confidence comes with being honest with yourself, knowing your strengths and weaknesses. Not from being free of weakness, necessarily, but understanding how to navigate around them while you're working on them. Demonstrating competence (by your own definition, not that of others) in a variety of situations will reveal your confidence in yourself. Can take time. Scouting, martial arts, sports, academics are all arenas in which you can gain confidence. Know that virtually all teens are in the same boat, and those of us out here have all been where you are and if
we had any sense were pretty terrified, but we mostly survived it. You will, too.

[xman]

There is a lot the body can teach the mind and emotions. . .

Sensei

[Bill aka Mole]

Even at 51, I can still remember my junior high and high school years. I too had a girl that broke my heart. You need to find a way to get over it and having friends who will support you will be an asset that you will hold onto for life. I still am involved with two of my freinds from that time (and their own families), even though I and my family have moved completely across the US.

Finding something that you love to do (good at it or not) and doing that will help you to focus on yourself and your values. The next love of your life is out there. It may be at an event that you were looking forward to or at another low point in your life when you meet them. Life is odd like that. Be open to the possibilities and don't worry that life is not proceeding according to your tiemline.

I never expected to find my love across the United States from where I grew up, but I did. We've been together for over 30 years. Some times were bad, others were quite humorous. And it is a relationship that we work on daily, even if it is only planning for the next big night out two to three months away. You and your love will have good days together, bad days together and days when one of you is doing great and the other can't boil water or make ice.

It hurts right now. Your world is turned upside down, you can't think straight and your friends appear to have turned on you. Until you can find a way to get over her, you will stay in this pain. And I'd bet that one of those friends actually cares about you but can't think of a way to say it in front of the others because it wouldn't be cool. Because it would take courage to stand up to the group. A true friend will find a way to stand up for you while you are down, to help you get up again. It may take them some time. I hope that it doesn't take too long. And I'm not going to say that things will get easier as you get older for you, that is for you to determine. And even if you are only 14 or 15 years old, I'm not going to say that what you had wasn't true love. But it would appear that what she wanted was not to be your love or possibly even your friend.

Things will get better when you figure out how to get over your pain and making your situation better. I hope that there is someone else where you are that you can talk with that may be better able to help you with this situation.

[CDNSushi]

Others here have given some very sage advice, and I agree with a lot of it. So as not to be repetitious, I'll just post one of my favourite poems.

Whenever I feel like the world, and especially PEOPLE are getting me down, I meditate on this poem for a while, and I find that it lifts me up in short order!

IF

By Rudyard Kipling


IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

[AKScott]

I pretty much agree with all the foregoing.

I would add that you have come upon one of the fundamental pillars of manhood at a relatively tender age. Being a teenager sucks. You have all the health and vitality you will ever have, but you have no money and no independence.

Some children learn to find fault with others, because (partly) that is what their parents do to them. It is easy to find fault in self, others and situations. You see it in the media all the time.

I think it was Dostoyevsky pointed out in maybe Anna Karina that happiness has a boring monotony to it, agony and sorrow are the things that come with variety.

So one step is to find a thing or idea that makes you happy, and enjoy it because you like it and you are sure you like it, regardless of what others think. Might be religion, it might be wearing a kilt, remote controlled airplanes, I dunno; finding your passion is your mission, not mine.

Another step is finding the self confidence to enjoy the thing you believe. That is one place martial arts can be super helpful. I defer to my antecedents in this thread as to which to study first. Learning how to fall is certainly a terrific life skill. Success is not never falling down, success is getting back up one more time. Confident that one was Churchill.

So find self confidence, find your passion. That you are already working on these two things puts you at least a decade ahead of most of your classmates, and decadeS ahead of some of them.

Also, forget the girl. Remember what you liked about her in general, but forget about her as an individual. Do not marry until you are at least 26. Certainly you may 'date', but you need to figure out who you are and what you like (and have confidence in those) before you can begin to shop for someone who is a good match for you.

The first person that needs to care about what you think is you. What you think is not something your friends all believe or something you read in the newspaper. What you believe is the stuff you know in your heart is right.

Also, next time you are in a book store see if you can find a copy of "The missing piece meets the big O" - heck it is on Youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCmZ2jrQooE

Hang in there dude. I thought my twenties were pretty good until I hit my thirties. Thirties rocked, and my forties are shaping up pretty snazzy too.

[ForresterModern]

Others here have given some very sage advice, and I agree with a lot of it. So as not to be repetitious, I'll just post one of my favourite poems.

Whenever I feel like the world, and especially PEOPLE are getting me down, I meditate on this poem for a while, and I find that it lifts me up in short order!

IF

By Rudyard Kipling


IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

There is some true wisdom there. You seek self confidence and need to remember first that "Self" is what you seek, and confidence in your "self" will follow. Do the right thing, rise above the petty daily fray, realize that words are just words and not really permanently damaging (especially from idiotic teenagers who live to snipe others to "build" their self-confidence, really only showing thier ignorance and immaturity in the long run), be faithful and loyal to those who love you and your friends, develop a "self" about which you can be proud----what you do, what you say, how you act and interact with those about you---and your pride will transform your "self' into "self-confidence" before you know it. Realize you are on the doorstep of adulthood and try behaving like an adult, treating others as such, interacting more with adults around you, and you will be seen as such by adult and adolescent alike, eventually---that is called maturity. As for girl issues, we have each lived our own battle between joy and heartbreak, and so must you. Live, learn, love, and occasionally feel the loss that comes with it---yin and yang so to speak---it is the spice of life, and something that will be with you for the rest of your life. Afterall, you have a long adult life ahead of you and you, from your OP, have demonstrated that you are no longer a child. Move into it now as best you can, and you will get through this, no matter how much it may hurt now. "Tomorrow is another day". Never give up, never give in.

Be well, walk with pride whether kilted or not, do the right thing at all times, and even if you fail, learn from that experience for the next opportunity. Just seeking advice means you are already well on your way. Good luck.

jeff

[ohiopiper]

I agree with all the above and will try to convey it in my own way. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but such is life.

Very few of the people you are surrounded by right now will matter in a few short years. Others will take their place as you move on from school to a job in the "real world". I keep in contact with exactly ONE person i went to school with. And only a select handfull of people I served in the military with. "Friend" is a word thrown around a lot. If you can make it to old age and look back and count more than a half dozen real friends in you whole life, you are fortunate. Eeryone else is merely an acquaintance.

As for the girl. yes, losing a first love is rough. We all remember our first. But one day in the probably somewhat near future you are going to meet someone who makes all others pale in comparison. Realize that dating and fleeting relationships serve a purpose. They are to teach you both who you really are and how to interract with another human being on a deeply emotional level. Rather than being morose and sentimental, determine what the lesson is for you to carry on to your next relationship.

My wife isn't the prettiest girl i've ever been with, i actually did date a model back when i was a young man. She's also not the most graceful at times as we were both raised in the same backwater farm town. She's hardly the easiest to get along with, as she is of Scottish extraction and as hard headed as my own german self. But when you average everything out, she is the best woman i've ever known. She's a wonderful mother to our two kids and we've stuck by one another through thick and thin. She's not my first love, and i'm not hers. But we've both taken the lessons offered by those early attempts at love and put them to use in our marriage and are that much the better and stronger for it.

Take heart, there is a point to all of it! Discover what the point of your most recent misadventure was, take the lesson with you and discard the rest. Onward and Upward!

[cessna152towser]

xman wrote:-

Get yourself a proper traditional kilt if you don't already have one and walk around downtown. Then watch how the ladies look at you. That should build your confidence up pretty quickly.

Almost the same as I was about to post.
I've dated several interesting and attractive ladies whom I would never have met had I not been a kilt wearer.