yesterday at work

[Alan H]

Yeah, well Doc, you're right.

I don't have to LIKE IT, though!!! LOL

[GMan]

Office politics can be so strange Alan that sometimes judgement can be very confusing.

Mary sounds like a person who would love to have attention lavished on her since she sounds like an ideal employee. Send her flowers from the IT department, and just happen to stop by and say that you are glad that she received them. Give her some candy or chocolate if that is what she likes. Smother her with kindness! Keep her confused as to why all of a sudden she is getting all this attention. Compliment her on her fashion sense, and how she really classes up the place. Tell others how she really is a good employee for the University and is such an asset, especially when she is within earshot.

Go and have coffee with her to ask her opinion on some problem you may have with some policy at the University, and thank her immensely for her words and thoughts.

What I am trying to say here is to take the high road and do not let her get to you (which I do not think she is). When you hear that she said something negative about or to you give her at least two compliments to her directly or to the person who told you something.

If she does make your work situation difficult, yes document it by all means, but keep on giving her positive thoughts and words, it may take time, but in time it will work out for you.

I will be thinking of you in this situation and please do let us know how things work out with her.

[Doc Hudson]

Office politics can be so strange Alan that sometimes judgement can be very confusing.

Mary sounds like a person who would love to have attention lavished on her since she sounds like an ideal employee. Send her flowers from the IT department, and just happen to stop by and say that you are glad that she received them. Give her some candy or chocolate if that is what she likes. Smother her with kindness! Keep her confused as to why all of a sudden she is getting all this attention. Compliment her on her fashion sense, and how she really classes up the place. Tell others how she really is a good employee for the University and is such an asset, especially when she is within earshot.

Go and have coffee with her to ask her opinion on some problem you may have with some policy at the University, and thank her immensely for her words and thoughts.

What I am trying to say here is to take the high road and do not let her get to you (which I do not think she is). When you hear that she said something negative about or to you give her at least two compliments to her directly or to the person who told you something.

If she does make your work situation difficult, yes document it by all means, but keep on giving her positive thoughts and words, it may take time, but in time it will work out for you.

I will be thinking of you in this situation and please do let us know how things work out with her.

The Reader's Digest version is "Kill her with kindness!"


Right Glenn?

[GMan]

You got my motto down Doc Except change it to KILT her with kindness

[Declan Rowan]

Lol damn you Glenn, I was thinking the same thing :P

Fortunately the woman I work with is simply not social, so i just kinda do my thing and not let it get to me that I've been ignored. I'm kinda used to her not saying anything for the 8 hours we work together (not even a goodmorning or goodbye). Sad thing is that she works no less than 6 feet away from me in a cramped office space we share!

The best thing to do is not let it get to ya though. I think my da said it best once.

"Son, it's all about mind over matter. I dont mind cuz they dont matter"

[Big Dave]

All you can do is work as you normally would, and don't let it bother you. Remember that the nicer you are to someone who doesn't like you, the madder they get, and the funnier it is to see them loose it. Be who you are, not what someone else wants you to be. Good luck.

[Thistle Stop]

Alan, I'm sorry you're in a situation that is so crappy! I really feel for you. I used to work with a person much like Mary. She despised me (as time went by, the feeling became mutual) and she did everything she could to make my life unpleasant. For awhile I thought she hated only me, but I soon learned that many others had the same kind of experience with her.

We had annual retirement receptions for anyone leaving. One year a very sweet, polite lady I really liked gave her little retirement speech, acknowledging those who had helped her along the way... and she ended it by saying that the best thing about leaving the job was that she wouldn't have to work with our Mary-equivalent any more. This dear little old lady's parting words were to say (literally!) 'F--- you!' to the woman and give her the finger! The whole room was stunned!

I once asked someone I'd worked with in another setting, whom I knew to be a good friend of The Ice Queen (as I think of her) away from work, why the woman acts the way she does. She knew exactly what I meant, and knew that the Queen had that reputation everywhere she'd worked. Her interpretation was that the Q is 'a woman doing a job perceived as a man's job' and is therefore always on the defensive -- and being 'offensive' as a result. Maybe your Mary has issues like that. I don't think that's really the Queen's problem, personally. I truly can't fathom what's wrong with her. Eventually I learned to just ignore her, and I suggest you do the same -- develop a thick skin and selective hearing where she's concerned. Documenting all your dealings with Mary is a very good idea, just in case she tries to make real trouble for you sometime.

She is wrong, wrong, wrong -- but she will probably never change her opinion, and she's unlikely to change her behaviour, either, unless someone forces her to. Admin people generally don't like to get involved with something they see as a personal problem between employees, unless it drastically affects how the work gets done. So, be pleasant, but basically neutral and task-oriented, in your dealings with Mary. Pretend you don't even notice her sour looks or jibes -- she may get bored with her own behaviour if it gets no reaction!

It's clear that your right to wear your kilt is not in jeopardy. I agree that she'd probably just fixate on some other thing to disapprove of if you never wore a kilt. It's better that her ire is directed at something that has nothing to do with your work performance or character. So wear your kilt and enjoy wearing it. Be happy within yourself when you're around her -- that will really get her goat!

Remember the words of the Lost Generation's golden couple, Gerald and Sara Murphy:

'Living well is the best revenge!'

[MACKAY]

You definitely have the poopie end of the stick.

I also agree that you should have a discussion with your supervisor and ask him to invite Mary and her supervisor to join you.

Show that you are willing to discuss the situation and that Mary is the one who is being disruptive.
Best of Luck.

I work for a very large corporation (4th Largest in the World), in a Senior Management position with over 25 years experience. I won't mention the company name on the board, but if you are watching the NCAA Final Four here in the USA, my company is the one sponsoring the winner’s trophy.

Anyhow, in my professional opinion (and please know that this is purely a subjective opinion and I mean no ill will towards you in any way), you have personalized this issue, and although well intended, the invite to go off site for a discussion regarding your differences of her alleged dislike for you in a kilt, was wholly inappropriate from a business relationship building standpoint and may have weakened your overall position.

What you did is enable her position of you being 'difficult', 'unprofessional', etc., and solidify her position as you being the problem. If she is as smart and savvy as you indicate, you might have also just set yourself up for being perceived as "asking her for a date", or "harassing her because of a perceived distain for the kilt”. Remember, communications and perceptions are a two way street, you said she never actually complained about you wearing a kilt, but that you inferred that this is the root of the problem. Maybe yes, maybe no ... do you know for sure?

Further more, by inviting her off site you are taking her away from “her safe environment” (work) where she normally feels in control of the situation. The work environment usually provides a controlled environment, a safety net if you will.

Further you implied to her that you intend to have a conversation where you clearly are going to be the moderator and control the conversation (you had an agenda). She (as most women are) is probably smart enough to realize that taking you up on your offer would weaken her position as she would appear to be capitulating to your possession and may have felt threatened. It is never good to make a star employee feel threatened. She obviously has a great work ethic and did not get to her position by being passive! Watch out for these types!

Here is what I think you should do, and what I would suggest to my direct reports. Take the high road while still being the driver don't let her become the martyr ....

Set up a meeting with her, her boss, you and your boss. The topic of the meeting should be "Establishment and Enabling of Service Level Objectives for (your department / her department)"

Set up an agenda and distribute at least one full day prior to the meeting. The agenda should include just a few points. Great example would be: 1) Introductions, 2) Services (your department)provides, 3) How Customer Satisfaction and Feedback Drives Innovation in (your department), 4) Setting Expectations: What does (her department) requires and are you meeting the requirements, 5) How can (your department) provide additional value to (her department), 6) Establishing an Open Communications methodology between (your department) and (her department).

Make sure that you take notes and then publish minutes within a day of the meeting outlining the conversation (use the agenda) and any follow up items and dates for deliverables.

This should take about an hour, and what your doing is reaching out and saying, "I get the impression that we are not adequately meeting your needs and requirements, and we are reaching out to you so that we can identify these gaps and issues, and proactively put a plan in to provide 100% customer satisfaction".

Do not use the words ME or YOU in any way during this meeting. This is not between YOU and HER, this is sticky business! By doing this she has lost all ability to complain, or too raise a stink about you or your services (kilted or not). This is also great documentation to have if push ever comes to shove, you have a written action plan that shows that you took take business relationships seriously and have reached out to her and her department in a professional manner. The problem then becomes HER issue, not yours, and the kilt will probably never be mentioned again.

Hope this helps!

Brian Mackay

[Alan H]

I work for a very large corporation (4th Largest in the World), in a Senior Management position with over 25 years experience.

Hope this helps!

Brian Mackay

Interesting.... Just so you know, about amonth ago we did more or less this exact thing, though I didn't initiate it. Mary is actually in my department, just in a slightly different "sub group" of the deaprtment, but the distinction is largely dictated by the coincidence that our workspaces are on different floors of the same building.

BTW, the coffeeshop is univesity-library- run and ten steps from our mutual front door. I don't think there's a single person in this department that doesn't donate a significant portion of their salary back to the Uni Libraries by not buying coffee at Moonbeans! It's the alternate meeting point, if you're not in a conference room somehwere, honest!

However your whole message is well-thought-out and appropriate (and utterly do-able and EXACTLY what my manager would LOVE to see us do, anyway) and I appreciate it.

Same for you Kilted Bishop! And for everyone, thanks for your input. I'm going to chew on precisely what to do until Monday and then start step #2. I'll let you know what it is and how it goes.

Alan

[Magnus Sporrano]

If this were just about the kilt and if this were a really important job, I'd give strong consideration to trading for pants.

But you have already told us that the relationship problems go well beyond the kilt. Getting rid of the kilt won't fix the underlying problem. In fact, it will make things worse.

OK so say you're a wolf. Another wolf in the pack approaches you and starts posturing herself dominantly over you. You roll over and submit to the other wolf. What have you just done? You have acknowledged that the other wolf is superior to you, and you have announced it to the rest of the pack. The social dynamics will be very different from this point on, as you will be expected to behave accordingly when around the alpha bitch.

It's the same way in the business world. She doesn't care about the kilt. She is using the kilt as an easy way to establish her dominance over you. Once you let her above you, you will never get her off again and your position will be very bad for the rest of your time there. She will continue to assert her dominance over you in small symbolic ways.

That said, I'd be more inclined to push back. Delicately but assertively. This is your national dress, you are proud to wear it, and to imply to you otherwise is discriminatory and offensive to a whole nationality. Think of things like this... "If I were an Indian, would you object to me wearing a dhoti kurta to work?"