Kilt(ish) jokes

[Mattg]

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of huge crowd.

Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope,
"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him.

Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every English person in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by someone wearing a worse frock & hat than he, considers what he could do.

"Your Majesty, that was impressive.
But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make every IRISH, WELSH, and SCOTTISH person in the crowd go crazy with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so.
"One little wave of your hand and all Irish and Scottish people will rejoice forever? ... Show me".


So the Pope slapped her!

First time I've liked the Pope!

[Pour1Malt]

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and Mick Jagger?

A: Mick says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while the Scot says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

[Mattg]

A Scottish fitba fan told his mate, "My dug watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and doon and claps its wee paws. When we lose it somersaults."
"Yer Kiddin me right? How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend.
The Fitba fan replied, "depends how often I kick it..."

[Yaish]

Cool song, even if its not accurate. Do you know of a recorded version one can hear for free? I cant seem to find a tune that matches the words.

[Valencian Kilted]

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of huge crowd.

Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope,
"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him.

Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every English person in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by someone wearing a worse frock & hat than he, considers what he could do.

"Your Majesty, that was impressive.
But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make every IRISH, WELSH, and SCOTTISH person in the crowd go crazy with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so.
"One little wave of your hand and all Irish and Scottish people will rejoice forever? ... Show me".


So the Pope slapped her!

looooooooool!!!

¡Salud!

T O N O

[Pour1Malt]

The Kirkcaldy undertaker sent a telegram to the bereaved Scot,

telling him his mother-in-law had died and asking whether he wanted her embalmed, cremated, or buried.

Back came the reply: "A' three — tak’ nae chances."

[Pour1Malt]

‘McDougall’s deid. He fell inta a vat o' whisky.’

‘Whit a shame. Wuz it a quick deith?’

‘nay, I dinnae think so. He came oot twice tae gae tae the tooilet!’

[Pour1Malt]

In the middle of foggy night in the NW Atlantic....

two lights are heading directly for one another...

and on the radio an American voice is heard saying "we suggest you alter course by 10 degrees".

Back comes the reply from a wee kilted Scot, "Nay!"

Then the American voice says "this is the battleship USS Missouri leading the American Atlantic battle fleet, you had better alter course by 10 degrees."

Back comes the reply

"och weel, this is the Hebrides lighthoose... but it's yar call, Jimmy"

[Pour1Malt]

One bright sunny day, an kilted Aberdonian was riding his horse into town with his dog and his sheep along beside them. They came across a stranger who was travelling in the opposite direction, and began the following conversation:

Stranger: "Hey, that's a cool dog you've got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Aberdonian: "The Dog disnae talk."
Stranger: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Aberdonian: Look of shock.
Stranger: "Is this man your owner?" (pointing at Aberdonian)
Dog:: "Yep"
Stranger: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the loch once a week to play."
Aberdonian: Look of total disbelief.
Stranger: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Aberdonian: "My Horse disnae talk."
Stranger: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Aberdonian: Extreme look of shock.
Stranger: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Aberdonian)
Horse: "Yep"
Stranger: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Aberdonian: Total look of utter amazement.
Stranger: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Aberdonian: "The sheep's a bloody liar."

[UmAnOnion]

One bright sunny day, an kilted Aberdonian was riding his horse into town with his dog and his sheep along beside them. They came across a stranger who was travelling in the opposite direction, and began the following conversation:

Stranger: "Hey, that's a cool dog you've got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Aberdonian: "The Dog disnae talk."
Stranger: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Aberdonian: Look of shock.
Stranger: "Is this man your owner?" (pointing at Aberdonian)
Dog:: "Yep"
Stranger: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the loch once a week to play."
Aberdonian: Look of total disbelief.
Stranger: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Aberdonian: "My Horse disnae talk."
Stranger: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Aberdonian: Extreme look of shock.
Stranger: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Aberdonian)
Horse: "Yep"
Stranger: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Aberdonian: Total look of utter amazement.
Stranger: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Aberdonian: "The sheep's a bloody liar."

you forgot the bit about the stranger being a ventriloquist....