A decision has been made...

[macwilkin]

My mother is a member of the DAR and one lady there is a Campbell. The two of them needle each other a bit during the social part of the meetings, but it's good natured fun between em. The old feuds don't mean much to most folks today, but can provide a bit of amusement.

That's the attitude, Bubba! A bit o' fun, and maybe a wee dram to celebrate the truce, but that's it -- some folks take FAR too seriously...

T.

[Thistle Stop]

On a serious note, I don't want to perpetuate ill-will!

Glencoe grievances will probably never go away completely, but maybe it's better just to avoid mentioning the topic. On the other hand, if a kilted newbie wears a Campbell tartan and receives some nasty looks or remarks, he should at least know why!

If I offended anyone by bringing up the subject, I apologise most sincerely. I have known and loved (or at least liked!) both Campbells and MacDonalds, and just for the record, I forgive any MacBeths out there for the outrage perpetrated by their famous ancestor when he murdered my ancestor, Duncan I, King of Scotland! :::mutter, mutter:::

[macwilkin]

If I offended anyone by bringing up the subject, I apologise most sincerely. I have known and loved (or at least liked!) both Campbells and MacDonalds, and just for the record, I forgive any MacBeths out there for the outrage perpetrated by their famous ancestor when he murdered my ancestor, Duncan I, King of Scotland! :::mutter, mutter:::

No worries, Cyndi, didn't offend me at all! :mrgreen:

T.

[Doc Hudson]

It's probably a Good Thing that you gave away the Campbell kilt. If you'd worn it to any events attended by some of those spiteful MacDonalds that Ron (Riverkilt) and others have been meeeting at the clan tents, you'd be likely to get the stuffing knocked out of you! (Google 'Glencoe Massacre' for an explanation of this remark!)

Check out this article on Electric Scotland -- it steers away from all of the anti-Campbell propaganda and points out the fact that the Campbells as a clan had nothing to do with the massacre:

http://www.electricscotland.com/book...on/glencoe.htm

Cheers,

Todd

I hope you don't think that the simple truth will quell 300 years of emnity.

[bubba]

No worries, no offense noted or taken. Since the people involved are all long dead and nobody alive was there it isn't a big thing. Add to that that so many migrated elsewhere it becomes irrelevant to us, just a part of a long history. When the ship sails all bills are paid.

[Alan H]

Oh, man can I relate to this. OK, brace yourself...long post coming.

First up. I've been on-line in a number of chat/bulletin board/BBS forums for nearly ten years. Some of those have been very personally-involved...as in the people populating those forums have been in very difficult situations in their personal lives. One thing I have learned is an absolute, ironclad truth, no matter, where, when or who I am "talking" to online..

No matter WHAT gets written on the board online, the ONLY person who really knows what's going on is the person who's living the situation. No Exceptions. Nobody here on XMarks has the vaguest clue what's going on in your life. Nobody here has met you, nobody here has met your wife, nobody here has observed, long-term, the interaction between you and your wife. You could write an encyclopedia britanica here online ans still nobody would know. Only YOU know....and her.

Your judgement on what to do in this situation is YOUR judgement call and nobody else's. I for one will not second-guess you on what you choose to do, or what course of action is proper for you in your relationship.

That said...and I want to emphasize again what I wrote up there, I have some thoughts and observations.

1. Sport Kilt offers an inexpensive "kilt" in the US Marines leatherneck tartan.

2. Let me tell you about my life. Read on, if you like.

My wife doesn't much like kilts, either. She won't say that I *can't* wear them, and I wear my Black Watch one or two days a week, but she's not comfortable with them. She's fine with me owning one kilt and wearing it as a "costume" to Celtic faires, music festivals and Highland games, but as a real article of clothing, she's less than thrilled. She's shocked that I've bought three of them.... we talked about it last night. She positively HATES the jacobite shirt that I bought. I enjoy it but I understand her point about it being inappropriate for daily wear so I won't wear it as regular clothing, though I'll be wearing it to Ren Faires and so on.

She and I have a significant power/control issue in our marriage of 24 years. In essence, it goes like this....

She's always been the organized one. She's the one who's always on time. She's the one who keeps the accounts. She's the one who handles the insurace, pays the bills, arranges the vacations.

I'm the one who fixes the roof, who changes the oil in the car, who carries her backpack over the river when we're backpacking. I'm the one who builds the deck, paints the new siding and lays the hardwood floors.

What's the difference between those thing? My "jobs" are short term, do-them-and-they're-done, important-but-not-vital jobs. They are important, but "surface jobs". They have visible, tangible everybody-can-see-them results to point at. Her jobs are ongoing, without visible and obvious results, but are totally vital to our functioning as a unit. The differences in our roles has led to a huge power imbalance in the past. We've both undervalued my contribution while over-valuing her contribution.

My difficulties with being on time, being organized, balancing a checkbook, keeping a schedule and that sort of thing cause huge friction in our relationship. Since those things are terribly important to my wife, she 1.) took them over, all of them as her responsibility and 2.) she decided for many years that I needn't be treated with any respect whatsoever because I couldn't do those things. She was happy for me to carry her backpack, fix the garden trellis and so on, but that didn't redeem my respect in her eyes. This gross respect and power imbalance in my relationship led to some really awful things happening, including me having an affair with a woman I met online in 1996.

Once I got out of the affair and cleaned myself up a bit I took a hard look at what was important to me and what I needed to do to make a life that I could believe in as well as keep the relationship that I treasured with my wife. It so happened that my father died about a year later an dleft me some money in a family trust.

I did several things.

A.) I started keeping a calendar. This sounds like a very small thing, but it made a crucial difference in me remembering things. I still forget things, I'm still marginally ADD so that I can hyperfocus on certain tasks and forget where I am...and therefore be late to the next thing I need to get to, but I'm immensely better at remembering and being on time.

I'm often the one who's ready to go somewhere before she is, now. It sounds crazy, but this has made a difference in our relationship. Instead of ALWAYS being late or forgetful, I've cut my screw-ups of that type down by about two-thirds.

B. I started carrying a cell phone. It's on all the time. My wife initially used it to nag me. We fought HARD over that. The process of fighting over that issue, instead of avoiding yet another issue was very painful for at least a year, but since both of us were committed to the relationshhip, the fighting forced her to cut me some respect. Now she calls me on it to remind me of things sometimes, but I also call her on it to make sure that she's remembering things, too.

I hate fighting. I really hate conflict. I just HATE it. But I've learned that I have to deal with a certain amount of it to earn and enforce respect within my relationship.

C.) I took over the accounting and check balancing and investment management of the family trust. I cannot tell you how much I hated this at the beginning. I also cannot tell you how hard I had to fight her to get this control. The Trust is not millions of dollars, but it's not a negligible sum, either. The income it generates has a very significant effect on our household. For me to deny my wife the *RIGHT* (as she saw it) in fact the utter necessity of her managing it...because of course I'd screw it up... was an issue of monstrous proportions. We fought for months over it.

But I stuck to my guns. I knew that for the relationship to work I had to FIGHT FOR, EARN and KEEP the respect that I needed from my wife or our relationship would end in an ugly way. And so, since 1998 when my Dad died, I have managed the Trusts investments, balanced two checkbooks every month, done the taxes, maintained the required contacts with the contingent beneficiaries and dealt with my retirement funds. My wife an I have semi-regular "family finance meetings" around the kitchen table. I hate all of it, but it's worth it to me to do the work because the benefits of doing it well are seen in my relationship.

The difference in our relationship after a year or more of fighting and adjustment to the new roles, was amazing. It's been several years now, and the benefits continue to roll in. The degree of respect we have for one another is much greater than we had, before. I have more respect for MYSELF as well. To be blunt, the sex is better, too.

It's easy for me to duck conflict. I still do it all the time, but I know that every now and then I have to make a stand and NOT duck it...fight back and fight hard or everything will go to hell again. Sometimes love means fighting with the person you love. Love does not mean giving up, or avoiding. Honesty, respect and strength are more accurate indications of love than silence.

Understand that my wife knows I'm a bit different from the normal California guy.. I've sailed a 29-foot boat solo across the Pacific while we were married. I tired again this past summer, but had to turn back with structural problems in the boat. I'm involved with a new sail...http://www.kiteship.com. I play, and listen to, unusual music. I write odd poetry. She knows I'm "different".

After five years of this new life with checkbooks and retirement accounts and respect, along comes "kilts".

She doesn't like kilts, but she realizes, and has said that she realizes that she has no right to tell me what to wear. That doesn't stop the occaional odd comment, rolled eyes or averted look, however. I confronted her with the issue a few weeks ago.

Now, it used to be that I never confronted her with anything. The first eight years of our marriage, she'd nag and complain (sometimes with good reason), and needle me on a several-times-a week basis and I'd just deal with it. About once a year I'd hit the end of my rope, rip her a new *******, (pardon the expression) and she'd dissolve into tears. Then we'd start over again.

Then things changed. For about six or seven years I'd hit the end of my rope, start fighting back and I'd get that much more of an assault back in my face. I'd give up and turn away. The situation was unbalanced.

About four years ago I started fighting back, and fighting back hard when I felt that her attaack was unwarranted. Yes, I started calling her "bitch" when she was being one, and started yelling. This is NOT like me in anyway and I HATE HATE HATE it.

I HATE IT. Do ye ken? I HATE IT.

But if I didn't fight back, I'd have been run roughshod over, and I can't live in a relationship like that. So I started to fight back, right about the same time that I started taking more drudgework responsibility in the relationship. I earned my respect, but I had to fight for it.

OK, let's get back to kilts. We've had two face-to-face talks about kilts and one in-your-face
hard talk, initiated by me, about how **I will wear what I want* and you can treat me with respect no matter WHAT I wear.** I now wear kilts to weork one/two days a week, and to various functions that I attend without her.

On the other hand, last Saturday night we went to a Dance concert. This is a local, VERY good ballet troupe. Now, my wife loves dance, and she really loves this company. This is HER night out...a special evening out for her. I love my wife, and so I simply didn't wear a kilt that night, because I knew she'd have a better time if I was in slacks.

That compromise, that consideration for her feelings costs me nothing, lets me feel respect for myself, and turns out we both had a great time at the concert. It was great. We had wonderful seats and I had a marvelous time with the woman that I love.

*************

This is my story. I can't tell you how to live your story, I can only tell you my story.

I can suggest this, though. My on-line experience has been a mottled one. I've wasted thousands of hours online in pointess chat. I've also met some wonderful people, learned tons of great stuff (now I'm learning about kilts and Scottish history) and developed my poetry writing skills. None of that would have happened without my on-line writing on all the forums, BBS's and chat. The writing that I've done on-line, and the people I've met have opened my eyes to worlds that I never knew existed. I've developed skills that I never let myself realize that I had. And so I have a suggestion.....

Kilts or no kilts in your life, stay at XMarks. Start a blog. Write to yourself, write to your friends. Write. Read. Open your mind to ideas that you know nothing of. Let your life change and grow how it will. If that includes kilts, then great. If it doesn't, well, kilts are after all, only an article of clothing. Life you life as it seems right to you.

Trust your gut, and listen to what your heart says. Treat yourself with as much respect as you treat others, and do what is right.

Cheers, mate.

Alan

[Alan H]

One other thing.... a lot of that post up there is about fighting and me doing things I hate. It's about conflict. I had to go through that go get to the other side, where I am now, but let me tell you a story about last night.

Last night I showed my wife the pics in Mrs. Highlandtide's personal gallery of the USA Kilts guys (and friends) in their Ramsay Blue tartan kilts. I told her that I'd ordered one. She was confused, because she knew the Macnaughtan tartan I ofdered from Bear was red. She didn't uderstand that I was going to order three kilts.

She got upset. "Why did I show her that?" she wanted to know...mad as a hornet.

I told her the truth. The truth, even if it's tough to stomach, or tough to say when you're angry is often the best path.

What was the truth?

I showed you those pictures because I ordered that kilt. I think it's a really good looking kilt and I really like the tartan. I'm excited about kilts, and excited to be getting that kilt.

I love you and I want to share with you the things that I'm excited about. I can't get very excited about buying another pair of work pants, you know? Pants are just pants...I don't really care any more. Yeah, I'm going to buy some new dress slacks, but whoop-de-doo.. But a kilt is different. I showed you because I'm excited about the kilt and I wanted to share something I was excited about with you because I love you.

That's the truth. It's not all about anger and fighting and doing things you hate. You do things, sometimes the hard things, because you love people.

She understood.

[Doc Hudson]

Alan,

Thanks for sharing that story. I know it gave me lots to think about, and I'm sure it did for other folks as well.

[dana]

Well now... you DO HAVE a tartan with a personal connection -- the Leatherneck tartan of the USMC! I can get you pretty much anything you want made in it. See http://www.tartansauthority.com/web/...rtan=By+Tartan to see what it looks like! (Click the small image to see it enlarged.) Maybe get just a necktie in it, to start with...

I think spending money on anything related to kilts at this point would probably be counterproductive. I really am hoping tartan day will open her eyes to a whole new world. One month from tomorrow

I'll report back and let everyone know how it went.

dana

[Thistle Stop]

I'll tell you something that I think applies to most women. We WANT to respect 'our' men. But we want that respect to be merited -- earned, if necessary -- rather than demanded. A strong man who can stand up for something he believes in is an attractive man. But he must balance it with sensitivity to our needs, too. Otherwise, he ends up looking like a dictator. The course of true love never runs smooth, but a willingness on the part of both to sublimate their personal desires to those of the other, at the appropriate times, is the key to a happy relationship. And, forgiveness is very important. In fact, I have often thought that the ability to forgive IS love.

Alan, your story is a lesson to us all of how a really great guy does it. Thanks for sharing it.