Kilt(ish) jokes

[davedove]

A wealthy man was about to die and called three of his closest friends to speak with him, one from Africa, one from Central America, and one from Scotland.

He told them all, "You know, I've always been told that I can't take my money with me, but I want to try. I'm going to give each of you one million dollars of my money and before they bury me, I want you to hide the money in my casket."

Each of the men promised to carry out his wishes, and at his funeral the were gathered together to pay their last respects. After the funeral, the men were talking.

The African confessed, "I am so sorry, but the people in my country are experiencing a terrible drought. That money can feed so many people I could not put it in the casket."

The Central American spoke next, "I must confess as well. There have been terrible earthquakes in my country. That money could help bebuild so much that I couldn't put it in the casket."

The Scotsman just looked at them and shook his head. "Lads," he said, "I am ashamed of both of you. You know what our friend wanted and he trusted you. I am the only one who carried out his wishes. I put my personal check for one million dollars in the casket just before they closed it."

[Kilted KT]

An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and
asked the waitress what the special was. "Roast and rice," the
Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue.

"You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed.

"I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when
I wear high heels."

r's...that is damn funny!!!

[Kilted KT]

amazin' hae racey sum o these auld 60's postcairds can be...

Looks like the family honor is kept well!

[smaughazard]

In the Northern Highlands, an impatient farmer knocked at the door of neighboring farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered.
"Is your father in?" asked the neighbor.
"No." said the daughter. "He's at the Inverness farmers' market. If it's the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is £50."
"No, it's not that" said the neighbor.
"Well." said the daughter. "If it's the Galloway belted bull you want, it's £40."
"No, it's not that." said the neighbor.
"How about the small Highland bull?" said the daughter. "The service of that bull is only £30."
The neighbor rudely interrupted the daughter, "That's not what I've come about. Your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona pregnant. My wife and I want to know what your father proposes to do about it."
"Oh, well." said the daughter. "You'll have to see my father yourself. I don't know what he charges for Sandy."

[Frank McGrath]

Well, I was sitting in my local the other night and in walks nothing less than a Panda. He sat down at the bar nest to me and ordered a beer and a dinner special. I just sat there and stared. After he was finished eating, he finished off his beer, wiped his chin, then pulld out a pistol and started shooting the place up. After he finished off a clip, he headed for the door, without even a goodbye. The manager of the pub ran after him and asked" Whats going on?. The panda says, "I'm a Panda, man. Look it up". The stunned manager finds his dictionary, turns to the P's finds Panda. Panda: large chinese mammal, Indigenous to Mainland China, eats shoots and leaves."

[Frank McGrath]

I forgot to say that we were both in kilts. oops

[Kilted KT]

I forgot to say that we were both in kilts. oops

what tartan idoes a chinese panda wear? MacDon'tScrewWithMe?

[timber]

I forget whether or not this one has been posted before:


Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin' to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last! spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."

[KiltedKnight]

Uh-oh...

Here we go again...lol

Chris.

[Pour1Malt]

foond anither yin!

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for
total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands,
once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from a kilted Glaswegian the front of the crowd pierced
the quiet . . . "Well, fekkin stop dewin it then, ya evil bastid!"