The Kilt Kops

[Father Bill]

Fellows, I'm reading some posts that say basically that folks should just toughen up, grow a thick skin and have some more gumption. From my counselling experience however, that's just not the way emotions work.

If someone feels hurt, embarassed, offended, upset... that IS the way they feel. Telling them to toughen up is akin to attacking them for having feelings. It would be nice if hurt would go away or better, never come, but it doesn't work that way.

How we respond to someone's comment is within our control, but how we feel just isn't.

I love the tolerance of so many. I love as brothers and sisters those who are carefully minding the way in which they express themselves.

God give me grace and wisdom that what I express in well-meaning kindness never be taken as anything but that, and never as an attack.

[Peter Crowe]

Fellows, I'm reading some posts that say basically that folks should just toughen up, grow a thick skin and have some more gumption. From my counselling experience however, that's just not the way emotions work.

If someone feels hurt, embarassed, offended, upset... that IS the way they feel. Telling them to toughen up is akin to attacking them for having feelings. It would be nice if hurt would go away or better, never come, but it doesn't work that way.

How we respond to someone's comment is within our control, but how we feel just isn't.

I love the tolerance of so many. I love as brothers and sisters those who are carefully minding the way in which they express themselves.

God give me grace and wisdom that what I express in well-meaning kindness never be taken as anything but that, and never as an attack.

A very sage observation Fr. Bill, and one which should certainly resonate with all men and women of goodwill.

[Taygrd]

*** Father Bill.
I think this horse is dead, as a mater of fact it is probaly glue by now
I am thick skinned, a product of my environment and chosen careers, from now on I will take a more measured approach in my responses out of consideration for those who might not be. Say goodnight Gracie!

[AFS1970]

OK, I must be reading the wrong threads here, or not reading the right threads. Until this thread I never noticed the "kilt cop" mentality on the forums. I have seen folks ask questions and get answers, well I can hardly blame the answer givers for answering a question asking for public opinion.

If someone posts about what color hose goes with a certain tartan or if they should wear a T-Shirt to a formal banquet (or a Montrose to a ren faire) they should not be surprised when they get a large amount of answers, some of which might even be helpful. I have learned allot about wearing kilts and other traditional wear, just by reading some of these threads. I hope they will never stop.

As for opinions, all my posts are my opinion. I don't think I should have to put down that this is my opinion, humble or otherwise, as it is implied by the fact that it is posted by me, under my screen name. I have found many people here that I agree with and disagree with on a variety of topics, not all of them kilt related. However it is the same in the real (non-internet) world also. So be it.

I also liked reading the results of Jock's poll, it was a very informative read and gave some insight into allot of things. It did not make me want to throw away my kilt, or stop wearing it. It does make one more mindful of the traditions we are emulating and the respect we should have for them, to read the opinions of highlanders and other Scots on these issues.

As for Father Bill's right to wear a kilt, well I am not sure there is anyone who can award or rescind that right, if it even exists. However even if we could say that by strict birth or national origin there was no right, I would offer that by ordination that right was conferred, in that there is a clergy tartan and he is now and forever clergy. This is much like a regimental tartan, the right to wear it goes with being part of the whole, not with being an individual.

[AN COIGREACH ALBANNACH]

Father Bill,and any others who may inadvertantly be upset by posts.

I have found that the grittier the debate gets,the more I end up admiring those with enough of the stiff upper lip to hold thier own,particularly the ones that can do so whilst obeying the queens rules,so to speak.

Was not this same grit needed on Floddens field,in the chiltroms of Falkirk,in the grape shot flayed lines waiting for the charge on Drummossie moor,in the thin red line that saved Sebastopol,or in the trenches on the Somme?For families with Scots blood this is part of the spirit that is awakened when the kilt is worn.Is not attraction to this 'aura' about the kilt also partly why it holds some attraction for you?

Then don't let the encouragements(I said encouragements)to toughen up be seen as anything more than a clear reminder of the ancestors of whose offsprings company you keep.It goes with this territory.
I hear you when you say responses can be controlled, feelings cannot.
But if you work through those feelings and reach a point where they won't beat you,then that is true toughness,is it not?

[Father Bill]

Father Bill,and any others who may inadvertantly be upset by posts.

I have found that the grittier the debate gets,the more I end up admiring those with enough of the stiff upper lip to hold thier own,particularly the ones that can do so whilst obeying the queens rules,so to speak.

Was not this same grit needed on Floddens field,in the chiltroms of Falkirk,in the grape shot flayed lines waiting for the charge on Drummossie moor,in the thin red line that saved Sebastopol,or in the trenches on the Somme?For families with Scots blood this is part of the spirit that is awakened when the kilt is worn.Is not attraction to this 'aura' about the kilt also partly why it holds some attraction for you?

Then don't let the encouragements(I said encouragements)to toughen up be seen as anything more than a clear reminder of the ancestors of whose offsprings company you keep.It goes with this territory.
I hear you when you say responses can be controlled, feelings cannot.
But if you work through those feelings and reach a point where they won't beat you,then that is true toughness,is it not?

Well... yes . . . and no, my good friend. (And I do consider you as such for your many thoughtful insights!!)

I for one am much happier when simple discussion, either over a tipple or over the Internet, is governed by the Queen's rules, than by the rules of warfare. One is designed well for internal discussion, the other for external defence. I have deep respect for my military friends whose kindness is the first thing one sees in their personality. Here at XMarks though, we are in the business of enlightenment and encouragement, not the business of blood or killing. In times of peace, so are we all in the business of enlightenment and encouragement. Warfare is only ever just when used as a last resort.

Your advice to work through the feelings until they don't hurt is a wonderful insight. Thank you for pointing that out. Helping someone to do that however, is not the business of internal strife, but rather exactly the business of comfort. I note with deep respect the tears that I saw on the faces of brave souls yesterday at the Sept. 11 comemmorations. In part, those tears might express the comfort and solidarity those people felt for both those who had died, and for the comrades with whom they stood confidently shoulder to shoulder, knowing that those were the ones who would gladly lay down their lives for one another. That does not come from internal bickering but from absolute and earned trust.

And may I also emphasize that not all Scots (or members of any other culture) have been gritty warriors. I have deep and abiding respect for the many, many Scots for example, who have distinguished themselves in the fields of science, leadership, medicine, and civilization. That is a differfent form of grit at which respectfully marvel.

I guess what I'm saying is that we lose something, something very precious which those very Scots ancestors worked... and sometimes fought... to nurture when we are brusque or dismissive of others. I don't think it is truly the bedrock attitude of the great warrior. Those great warriors are rather the ones who fight only to preserve freedom and peace, and even then, there is, within their squadrons, a mutual camaraderie and kindly support which makes fighting groups function well and effectively.

No fighting platoon, company, or even the rabble or the "Rabble" fight effectively unless they know at the deepest and most vulnerable level that their comrades in arms "have their backs" and can be counted on for the most caring and gentle support, as well as the most decisive.

What we work for here is much less critical in this crazy world than the desperate goals that may sometimes justify bloody, gory warfare. What we work for here is the simple freedom to wear a garment we enjoy and love, and to do so well. So when we, the Great Rabble "go to war," let it be to support one another in building the freedom to wear our kilts, and in the sharing of well-researched knowledge and gentle perspective, not in unneccessarily divisive squabbles over "who can" and "how can" wear them. I love this forum precisely for its moderate and moderated gentle tone. I am saddened when it sometimes descends to hurtful - usually inadvertently hurtful remarks.

Thank you for a thoughtful response and I apologize to all; I had not intended to go on a such length - here endeth the lesson!

[DWFII]

I am saddened when it sometimes descends to hurtful - usually inadvertently hurtful remarks.

With all due respect...

Some people's "hurt" is nothing more than a simple "hello." Others are "hurt" when they feel ignored. Or not getting their own way immediately. Some...many...are "hurt" by truth.

Some people might be hurt by being called "Kilt Police" when all they were trying to do was offer some helpful advice.

Again, whose ox is being gored?

If disagreement or criticism (especially in a venue where discussion...and disagreement...are part of the package, so to speak) is so onerous and hurtful to someone that everyone else has to tip toe around them and freedom of speech is lost, then the possibility for real discussion and a real exchange of information is non-existent.

It just becomes an extended therapy session for people racked with insecurities.

When I was in jump school many years ago, the instructors would remind anyone who complained about push-ups or long, full kit runs that we had "volunteered for this chit!"

Wearing a kilt...and especially posting to an Internet discussion forum...are voluntary, last time I looked.