“Are those bagpipes real?” (???)
"No, I got them out of a cereal box."

"Are those hard to play?"
"No, any idiot can do it, but don't tell anyone; I've got a good thing going here."

"Lemme tell you my family's Scottish history." (20 minutes of my life forever gone)
Not as bad as "Lemme tell you your family's Scottish history."

"WOW! I didn't know songs other than Amazing Grace can be played on the bagpipes?!" (These people probably vote)
"Yes, well, until recently it was only amazing grace and smoke on the water."

"Bagpipes are for funerals only."
"Fine then, you get the pine box, and I'll get the dead guy."

“Boxers or briefs?”
"no."

"My son just loves Braveheart."
He has good taste.

”Can I try playing your bagpipes?”
Eww, germs.

"I hate those things (pipes), but my daughter insisted on having you perform anyway."
You gotta respect the honesty.

"Duuuude... you are soooo awesome...!!" (with slurred speech)
I get that all the time.

"Are you really Scottish?" (I’m from Tennessee – do I sound even remotely Scottish?)

“Are you really Irish?” (I’m from Tennessee – do I sound even remotely Irish?)
"no, Australian"

"You are gorgeous. Can I go home with you? (a female who's overindulged a bit)
I say that everyday when I look in the mirror.

“I play the _______. Bagpipes would be easy to learn.” (as my eyes roll backwards 180 degrees)
Well, I play the kazoo. They're practically the same thing, right?