Denied

[MacMillan of Rathdown]

Personally, I don't care for the modern habit of trying to make everyone lok like they're in livery or something by dressing everyone alike. It smacks of trying to imitate what the royals or "rich folk" wear.

It has nothing to do with imitating royalty or the "rich folks". Rather, it has to do with having a sense of "occasion". I have, as a guest, attended ultra-formal white tie weddings at 7 o'clock in the evening, and extremely informal weddings on the beach at 11 o'clock in the morning. Both weddings had their own sense of occasion, and those attending were quite comfortable to be there and to share the moment with the happy couple-- while complying with of the mode of dress requested on the invitation.

Something that seems to be often overlooked on this forum is that when one is invited to a wedding-- or any other function-- attendance is not mandatory. Rather than contacting the host and requesting dispensation to dress outside the norm, one has the option to RSVP their regrets.

When you receive an invitation you have three options: Politely decline; dress as you please, which shows a colossal lack of respect for the host and other guests; conform to the requested dress code.

As far as "checking with the bride" is concerned, technically she isn't the host-- the hosts are her parents, who are paying for the wedding. They issue the invitations and they (obviously in consultation with the bride) set the dress code. Calling the bride, or her parents, to ask if you can wear your kilt borders on boorish behaviour. Your request will be met with one of two answers:

(1) "No, I'm sorry, but this really is a formal wedding, and we'd appreciate it if you would respect our daughter's wishes."

(2) "Well, it is a formal wedding, but by all means do wear your kilt if that will make you feel more comfortable. Really, your presence is so important that our daughter wouldn't care if you came dressed as a Whirling Dervish. Really, she wouldn't."

Did I say asking to wear the kilt bordered on boorish behaviour? I was wrong, it crosses the line. A request of this nature is totally self serving, and places the host (or the bride) in the position of having to choose between being dishonest, or being rude. A gentleman would never put his host in such a socially awkward position.

If you are invited to a wedding outside of Scotland, unless you are part of the kilted wedding party, your best course of action is to dress as all of the other gentlemen are dressed. If you don't want to do that, then good manners would require you to politely decline the invitation and send the wedding gift to the home of the bride's parents.

[CDNSushi]

Really, your presence is so important that our daughter wouldn't care if you came dressed as a Whirling Dervish. Really, she wouldn't."

Hmmmm. You COULD be onto something here...

[SteveB]

Weddings today take on many different "styles". I have been invited to be part of a wedding party, in a tux, kilted, both PC and shirtsleeve, in shorts and sandals (island beach wedding). To each I have been kitted as expected for the event. In every occasion, the intent is to honour the bride. I have been to three weddings in Scotland, one kilted (My family) and two in tuxes. In Canada all three weddings were kilted. In Germany, I was kilted. In the U.S. every variety that is possible. Each and every occasion was memorable for the newly joined couple in a positive way.
I enjoy being in my kilt, but it is not the only possible attire for me.
Slainte

[shawhighlander]

Aye, just change into the Kilt for the Reception. At that point, everyone is just glad it's over, and happy for the couple. You won't compete.

[thanmuwa]

I agree with MacMillan, asking would put them in a position where whoever you asked could resent you for any answer they give. Therefore I would also say don't ask ( I would also say the same goes for guests you want to bring, if they haven't been invited, don't ask if they can be!)
It is already a difficult enough job planning a wedding without having to worry about what other people want to wear and whether it will fit in, and if the bride is like most of the brides I have known (only one of whom was mine I hasten to add ), there would be sleepless nights involved.

As far as "checking with the bride" is concerned, technically she isn't the host-- the hosts are her parents, who are paying for the wedding. They issue the invitations and they (obviously in consultation with the bride) set the dress code.

It is much less common for the bride's parents to host (or pay for) a wedding these days, at least this side of the pond, it is often the happy couple themselves. Even traditionally there were situations were the bride's parents couldn't or didn't host the wedding (it may have been an uncle, a clan chief, a guardian, etc.). Your source of information is the invitation itself. It should be clear from that who was hosting the wedding (It will be something like "Fred and Wilma Flintstone cordially invite you to the wedding of Mr Groom and Miss Bride"). So it should be clear from that who you shouldn't ask .