Wife jealous of the Kilt

[wildrover]

I wouldn't dream of telling my girlfriend what not to wear, simply because her wearing it made me uncomfortable. Appropriate attire for a venue is one thing, but we ask each other, not order each other. Likewise, she knows not to order me around, simply because it won't work and I'm likely to do the exact opposite .

A relationship where anyone told what to do, or not to do, simply wouldn't work for me...just sayin', some of you may have a lot more to discuss with your respective spouses than kilts, because from the little (as in, we don't know the whole story) you've mentioned, you (plural) need a better pair of chairs than a bunch of kilted enablers can provide .

Part of the issue may be that I am a complete extrovert, while my wife is a total introvert. My idea of the perfect dinner date is a table for two in the middle of Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras enjoying all the people and festivities going on around us. She would prefer a very quiet evening for two.

Funny, I have the exact same situation in my own relationship. Fortunately, she likes my kilt .

Set up a date night for once a week or once every couple weeks, then alternate who gets to choose the venue between the two of you, with her going first. When it is your choice, pick someplace that may push her introvert tendencies, just a little bit---don't try to go whole hog or you will lose her first night out. Second time repeat that little push, and gradually increase with each subsequent night out how far you can get her to go toward your "perfect dinner". If you decide to try this let us know how it worked for you, or if it did not , why you think it failed.

That is an excellent suggestion! Thank you sir !

[Alan H]

I am Zardoz' wife Shelley....

If she doesn't want to go with you dressed in the kilt, leave her at home and go have fun with your friends!

This is what I do. I no longer take my wife to any Scottish-themed events, nor do I bring her to any Nor Cal Rabble events. She might attend the Costa Mesa Games this year, since her brother and the kids will be along. Aside from that, there's no point. She hates the events, doesn't like the people, gets mad when I have some time not directly involved with throwing something but don't spend every second of it focused on her, thinks kilts are basically silly, and we invariably wind up in a fight or have an icy silent drive home afterwards.

As for donning something tartan because it would make me happy...that won't ever happen in this lifetime or any other lifetime. She has a drop-dead gorgeous Dress Blue Stewart kilt skirt...and refuses to wear it. "Plaid makes everybody look fat"... and "Anybody that wears that, looks like a librarian.". I've offered to make her skirts in MacNaughton ( my Clan) or MacKenzie (hers) and she gets really angry when the topic even comes up. I've offered to make her a Ren-Faire-like bodice...Several of the Nor Cal Rabble can tell you how that went over, as the topic came up in public at the Campbell Games two years ago.

It's just not worth the grief. So I do my thing and she does hers, and that's fine. I don't go to her dance classes, either. She goes to one event a year now, which officially shows that she's a "supportive spouse" and that's more than enough for both of us. She's gotten used to me wearing kilts, she will even tell me that I look nice sometimes but I'm sure she'd be just as happy if I gave them all away tomorrow.

You do your thing and let her do hers...meet for dinner when you're done.

[ForresterModern]

Very well-put.

Is your interest in wearing kilts viewed by your wife as a runaway obsession? In other words, "Is it always about the kilt?" Did you grow up wearing a kilt? Were you wearing a kilt when you met her and started dating? Or is this some new "wierd" obsession in her eyes? Does it negatively impact her in a financial sense? Does it cause her to respect you less as a man because it seems "childish" to her?

Has she reacted like this to any other issue in your marriage? If so, then perhaps she has a tendancy to overreact to your receipt of attention from others. If not, then maybe she is identifying an issue that the two of you need to address...

It's just clothing, after all...

Cordially,

David

David

I am sure your points are valid with many relationships to some degree or other. In fact I was not kilted when we were dating, only became so a little over two years ago when I was completing some of the deepest part of my geneology research (since my two sons are the last with the family name going back about 6 generations and hold the key to carrying it through to future generations) and discovered the scottish roots, coincident with having the opportunity to go there on business just under two years ago.I am sure my wife thinks kilts have become an obsession, but no more so than several other transient passions in my life that have come and taken a prominent place in my life, but rather than passing away have instead stayed an important part of me and my life. Financials are not an issue as I really do not spend that much compared to some other passions in the recent past---for instance I spent at least as much money building up one expensive italian carbon fiber bicycle frame into a rideable work of art two years ago, as I have since spent on nearly all my kilt stuff since. And that was just one of three such bikes I built up over the last five years, including at least one for her. I could buy three very nice tanks with the money I spent just on one set of wheels for one of the bikes.

Our relationship and its background is a complex one that would make a"made for TV movie" look tame, and could actually be our own reality show if we so chose, but that is not the reason for the disproportionalte friction. Long story better saved for a day when more time and whisky is available.

jeff

[davidlpope]

David
Our relationship and its background is a complex one that would make a"made for TV movie" look tame, and could actually be our own reality show if we so chose, but that is not the reason for the disproportionalte friction. Long story better saved for a day when more time and whisky is available.

jeff

Fair enough. Each marriage is a complicated, unique pathway that must be navigated with wisdom and patience. I didn't mean to oversimplify things.

My $.02- If your life was a movie, are you playing the role of "Steve the Pirate"?

Cordially,

David

[lethearen]

My (now ex) fiancée seemed to like the kilt in private, but the idea of wearing it in public she thought was preposterous. She likened it to if she wore her traditional clothing (Chinese qipao) like it were "normal" clothing. Much like a man wearing the kilt in Scotland, a woman wearing a qipao in China is fairly uncommon, traditional or no. And it's virtually unheard of here... so anyone wearing it would necessarily look out of place walking the streets of Dallas.

When I got my first kilt, I wore it for St. Paddy's day. She thought that would be the extent of my kilt wearing -- special occasions. And she was fine with that. But she said she was "annoyed" when she realised that I intended to wear it more often as just another piece of clothing. She made it clear that she didn't really want me to wear it when we were out together, so any time we went out anywhere I would change out of the kilt and into some pants (with the exception of going to the local). Problem was, she didn't appreciate that I went out of my way to make her more comfortable, she expected me to change in order to appease her. I only had to make my point once -- we went to the book store and as we were leaving, she asked "Aren't you going to change?" I just said nope and strapped on my sporran. Only time I bluntly ignored her wishes, as she got the picture that it my choice to change, not an obligation. She realised I was giving and she was just taking for granted.

When first reading of the "double-secret probation", I was expecting the poster to say he was going to start wearing the kilt everywhere with no regard to the wife. I cringed at that extreme, but my jaw dropped when it was the other extreme that was revealed!

Both of you have to give some ground, but I think that you've given more than your fair share. She may consider that "allowing" you to wear your kilt five days a year is a compromise, but really she's just getting what she wants with more or less total disregard to your wants or feelings. Not good. And selling your kit will just reinforce that she doesn't need to compromise in other things, as well.

The rest of what I'm going to say is probably pretty petty. And honestly, I can't really recommend you do either of them

Is there any article or style of clothing that she wears that you don't like? If so, turn the tables on her. Next time she tries to leave the house wearing them, tell her to go back and change because what she's wearing looks ridiculous. For me, that's capri pants. Can't stand them. Or if she tries to leave wearing pants, tell her to go back and put on a skirt. Men should wear pants, women should wear skirts. It'll raise hackles, but stand firm and don't bring up the kilt. Eventually she'll probably say that you have no right to tell her what to wear. Smile, say "You're right, I don't. Let's go," and drop it. Then when it comes up with your kilt again, gently remind her of that conversation.

Or the next time she demands you change out of your kilt as the two of you are going outu somewhere, tell her no. If she refuses to leave until you do, go without her. She'll be missed.

It sounds like you're willing to give a lot of ground for her... but she's got to give some, too, and she needs to see that. Sit down with her and come up with a viable compromise. Define some times when a kilt is absolutely not appropriate, no questions asked by you. Define some times when the kilt is absolutely appropriate, no questions asked by her. Be very specific in both cases. Anything not listed is a grey area, where the kilt can be discussed on a case-by-case basis. If you want to wear it, say so. If you make a point of not exercising that option often, or by not exercising your "absolutely allowed" times every chance you get... maybe she'll realise that she's getting the bigger half of the pie, anyway, and be content.

Or... sell your kilt, kit, and all. It's a piece of clothing. It's a hobby. Whatever you call it. But it's not your wife. Somethings are worth fighting for, and a piece of clothing isn't.

The principal behind the demands, however...

In the end, you're the only one who can say what will make your family life happy. Just be sure that you've thought whatever action you take through thoroughly. If you're really passionate about the kilt and you feel forced to be rid of it, you may harbour resentment... and that won't be good.

[QMcK]

I'm not in a romantic relationship, so I am not qualified to talk.
But if my girlfriend/wife started getting tattoos and refused to stop, I would leave (unless there were kids involved, in which case we'd have to stay together for their sake). I hate tattoos, and I would also hate the talk that would go on behind our backs.

And be aware that by saying that she doesn't have any right to tell you not to wear a kilt, if she should decide to do something you really do not like, she will throw that back at you.

----------------------------------------

Well, actually it's ridiculous for me to say what I would do. I don't know how I'd react, but that's how I think I'd react.

[ForresterModern]

I would leave (unless there were kids involved, in which case we'd have to stay together for their sake).

Well, there is a very young son involved, one which was in many ways an extremely phenomenal godsend for both of us. And due to an extremely bitter divorce, I lost my first two older kids (haven't seen either of them in 5 years, barely speaking to my daughter) to a vindictive first wife who then died on them two years ago leaving them wandering the world without adult supervision or guidance, and leaving me without my family, my historical anchor and raison d'etre. Until I finally settled down with my new wife, and we got our miracle baby two years ago after being told we had a less than 4% chance of ever getting pregnant and carrying to term (combine this with the fact that my current wife lost her only child, her son, to cancer 10 years ago this spring). So I am not enthused about the possibility of doing that divorce and fighting over the kid thing again.

So the kilt thing does have its place in our relationship, but is a bit down the list IMHO. I want my son(s) to have a knowledge and love of their ancestry and family, so much so that I have traced back at least 8 or 9 generations to the first Forrester in our line who crossed the Atlantic in the early 1600s, and have located the graves of my paternal lineage going back at least 5 generations above my father, and maybe six. I also want them to have a love of the kilt, as I have come to love it in these last few years.

As we age, time has much more importance to us, both current time, future time, and past times, our history taking on a far more important role than I ever thought. And although I doubt any of those 9 generations of Forresters/Fosters ever wore a kilt once they landed and prospered on these shores, I am confident that they and their forefathers likely did honor their Scottish heritage whether or not kilts were involved.

But I digress---We now return you to your regulalry scheduled programming. Sorry for the tangent discussion.

j

[Zardoz]

A little off the kilt topic, but....

Though I don't understand the strong dislike some folks have for them, I can see tattoos being a more serious problem for those that might dislike them, compared to a piece of clothing, because they are very hard to get rid of.

Here's a example of the sort of thing we've been discussing, I was never a big tat collector, but 20+ years ago I had some ink when Shelley and I met. They never were a topic we talked about, but after we got married, I talked about getting some work and she said that while she didn't care about the ones I had, she wished I wouldn't get any more. She didn't forbid or threaten divorce, just expressed a wish... I thought about it, and I figured getting that tat wasn't as important to me as getting along with the wife, so I passed.

Shortly after that I honestly kind of lost interest in tats because they started letting everyone have one! I didn't care to look like I was part of the same trendy fad as every other edgy soccer mom and wanna-be biker in town!

But things do change! Fast forward 18 years or so, and a friend's 20 year old daughter wanted a tattoo. Her mom was OK as long as I would find a shop and escort her for the event. After finding a shop I liked, I told Shelley I was considering getting something done too. And without missing a beat she said "OK, but I want to watch"

[wildrover]

Or... sell your kilt, kit, and all. It's a piece of clothing. It's a hobby. Whatever you call it. But it's not your wife.

You're absolutely right.

Sell the wife.



-Sean

[QMcK]

Well, there is a very young son involved, one which was in many ways an extremely phenomenal godsend for both of us.

I think, perhaps, you misread my post. I wasn't saying that anyone should get a divorce if their wife won't let them wear a kilt.