Thes morn Ah was waitin' in line wi' mah breakfest at th' convenience stair, when a quine behin' me in line tugged gently oan th' back ay mah kilt tae gie mah attention. she tauld me "yoo main ken whit Ah am thinkin' reit noo."

playin' dumb, Ah responded "no, ma'am, Ah main confess ignorance in thes matter. teel me whit is oan yer min' reit noo."

she says "i am dyin' tae ken whit is under th' kilt."

i playfully talked aroond it, tellin' tales ay oaths ay secrecy, retribution by th' scottish mafia fur fowk wi' loose lips, an' ended up wi' an invitation fur 'er tae reach up thaur an' check fur herself (assumin' she wooldnae, given th' time an' place).

"oh mah, nae, Ah coods ne'er div 'at. sae teel me, whaur ur ye gonnae aw dressed up loch 'at?" she asks.

"this is hoo Ah frock fur wark every day," Ah respond.

she quickly follows up, "what is it ye div?"

withit missin' a beat, Ah respond "sheep. Ah breed sheep."

her braw wrinkles up as she considers thes. th' bonnie yoong quinie at th' register sees me every morn, sae she gi'es a wry smile knowin' 'at th' trap has bin masterfully sit.

"what's 'at loch?" says th' quine.

the cashier winces, knowin' th' trap has bin sprung.

"weel ye see," Ah say, "it's a lot loch a real burd if ye close yer een."

the cashier blushes an' shakes 'er heed. thes is clearly th' best a body she's heard yit. th' quine fa confronted me was in deep condsideration ay whit she jist heard. as aam walkin' it th' duir, Ah hear 'er say tae th' cashier, "he's havin' fin wi' me. he's messin' wi' mah heed, isnae he?"

EDIT: Abridged plain english version further down in the thread.