If Nelson went to Trafalgar today...

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Mods, some of this is fairly marginal, if so plese advise and I will edit.

Regards

Phil C

Nelson: Order the signal, Hardy.
Hardy: Aye aye sir.
Nelson: Hold on, thats not what I dictated to the signal officer. Whats the meaning of this?
Hardy: Sorry sir.
Nelson: (reading aloud): England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this??
Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now sir. We've had the devils own job getting Ëngland' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.
Nelson: Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Hardy: Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments..
Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.
Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Governments policy on binge drinking..
Nelson: Good heavens, Hardy I suppose we'd better get on with it.... full speed ahead.
Hardy: I think you'll find that there's a four-knot speed limit in this stretch of water..
Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please..
Hardy: That wont be possible sir.
Nelson: What!?
Hardy: Health and safety have closed the crow's nest sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesnt meet regulations. They wont let anyone up there until proper scaffolding is erected.
Nelson: Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay Hardy..
Hardy: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foç'sle Admiral...
Nelson: Wheelchair access?? I've never heard anything so absurd..
Hardy: Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled...
Nelson: Differently abled?? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didnt rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card..
Hardy: Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency...
Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons..
Hardy: A couple of problems there too sir. Health and safety wont let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they dont want anyone breathing in too much salt - havent you seen the adverts??
Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy..
Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral..
Nelson: What?? This is mutiny!!!
Hardy: Its not that sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks..
Nelson: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish??
Hardy: Actually sir, we're not..
Nelson: We're not ??
Hardy: No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldnt even be in this stretch of water. We could get his with a claim for compensation..
Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil..
Hardy: I wouldnt let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary..
Nelson: You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King..
Hardy: Not anymore sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life!
Nelson: Dont tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum sodomy and the lash??
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment..
Nelson: What about sodomy??
Hardy: I believe that is now legal, sir...
Nelson: In that case ..... kiss me Hardy!!!!

[BobsYourUncle]

It appears that poor Hardy is about to be badly used by a superior officer. Sounds like further grounds for disciplining the admiral...